Random Thoughts #6: People Watching

Maybe there should be some sort of study done on reality TV viewers. 

I often experience a sense of enlightening while I'm vegging out in front of the TV.  Last night was just the same.  I leave my remote control parked on VH1 on Mondays.  First--Basketball Wives.  Second--T.I.'s Family Hustle.  Third--Chrissy & Mr. Jones.  The phone goes unanswered during reality TV.  The dog has to wait for commercial potty breaks.  I just can't miss it!  Not one ounce of a second of the drama.  And Monday's are not all that I've noticed. 

On random days, I will flip through the channels, stopping at ANY reality TV show!  It appeases me!  Comforts me!  Reality television, essentially, is my source for procrastination.  So, in coming to this realization, I started to wonder.  Is reality TV a hindrance?  The fact that I push other tasks to the backburner while watching it might be an explanation.  But that's not enough.  I'm going to go deeper than that.  Has it hindered me in a way that I can no longer intelligently communicate with people.  It's almost like how modern technology (text messaging, emails, Skype, etc) has replaced face-to-face communication.  Does reality TV suck the conversation right out of you?!  For example, let's say that I have a phone or face-to-face conversation with someone of the opposite sex.  I worry that we may have that awkward silence and it'd be all my fault.  Because I've taken up so much time watching reality TV that I have no idea about current events in my community or worldwide--or I have no solid stance on politics--or i know nothing about what else I like to do!  I fear that I lack depth or originality--that I'm not interesting enough. 

But, then again, I could combat those feelings by saying that I've always loved reality.  I'm an avid reader of memoirs.  I'm currently writing my own memoir.  I love to watch people's facial expressions.  And even though I may not always take heed to tell-tell signs, I learn a lot by watching people's body language.  I care about people's thoughts.  Feelings.  Opinions.  So, that explains why I have an extreme interest in reality television.  You learn a lot by people watching. And I think that, in itself, it a wonderful way to connect with people!

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Random Thoughts #5- Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

Last night, I tuned into a tv show called, My 600-lb Life.  On the show, a morbidly obese women underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost almost 500 lbs.  Amazing right!?  That's equivalent to 2 or 3 people!  Anyway, what I found interesting was when the woman and her husband spoke of her 'fat mentality.'  Basically, this is when you still have the mentality of an overweight person--turning sideways to walk though doors--rocking from side-to-side while walking--seeing 600 lbs on a 200-lb frame.  The fact is, we live with ourselves everyday. We don't see our changes even though other people can.  The change within you may happen so teeny-tiny that we don't notice it.  It's gradual.  Whether a physical or mental change, it's important to understand that you are not the person you were yesterday. 

I forget that sometimes. 

I see my job that pays the bills but leaves me little play money and I wonder why I don't have a better career.  But, then I rewind back to 10 years ago, I recall NOT paying those essential bills (rent, car note, insurance, etc) on time--putting them off for partying and etc.  Not knowing how to budget.  Not knowing how to save.  Not understanding how a person can purchase a pair of shoes over $100 and still be able to live normally.

I see my appearance and I pick at what I want to improve.  Disliking those extra curves--those rolls that popped up out of nowhere.  But then, I take my fingers and run them through my moderately-lengthed curly hair--curly hair that's full and natural.  Curls that require only 5 minutes prep time that I didn't know I had because I straightened it since as far back as I can remember.  I notice that I go without make-up without a second thought. I grab trash bags and stuff old slutty clothing into them to give away because, for some reason, they don't appeal to me anymore.  And I remember 10 years ago--when I wore a beautiful short, chic hairstyle that I straightened with du-rags and pulled so tightly on my head that they left forehead lines.  I remember my fingertips becoming accustomed to daily burns as I sizzled my hair straight.  Standing in front of the mirror until my arm numbed from being raised too long.  Pursing my lips as I pulled each individual curl into perfect unison, perfect design.  Until the curls lay with perfect precision atop my head.  An OCD of a hairstyle.  I remember standing in front of that mirror for hours--a day-long process.  And I remember how I had to appeal to others at all times. Never leave the house without make-up.  And I remember dressing to go out--how short or revealing or tight my outfit needed to be.

I see my dating situation and how I'm still single and have no children.  And how that disturbs me to NO END but then again, I can see better.  I can see what men represent just by conversation.  I don't create illusions.  I believe what they show me and, in doing that, I find my courtships short-lived.  I have greater standards, so the options are fewer.  Swag is not the only requirement for me.  And I'm thankful for that because I remember 10 years ago, when I judged men by attraction only.  When conversation and commitment didn't matter--only attention did.  When that attention could fill up an address book with numbers.  Numbers that represented only momentary attention for a lonely person.  Negative attention.  Maybe positive attention.  It didn't matter.

So, this is how I define growth.  When you start to criticize yourself--your drawbacks.  What you could've done differently. What you didn't do at all.  What you did too much of.  Growth is when you take ALL of that negative energy and see something.  That something that you never thought of as growth initially.  Something that's--maybe--different.  A difference in you that makes you think--makes you reflect.  And you think about 10 years ago.  What was the 'you' 10 years ago like?  And in that very moment, you will know that life changes you the more you live it.  And that change is better than you give yourself credit for.

Random Thoughts # 4: Fallacy vs. Reality

    Today's subject is about 'soulmates.'  I've always believed that everyone has a person created specifically for them.  However, the question is, how do you know when you've met that person?  I mean, there's so many people in this world! What are the odds that with all these people, you are guaranteed that you're soulmate is somewhere near?  I find that people fall in love (or fall in extreme like) and toss that 'soulmate' label around.  The idea is that if you have such extreme feelings for someone--you have sooo many things in common--that this person MUST be your soulmate. 
     I've been a victim of that fallacy.  I met someone once.  We had so many things in common.  We finished each other's sentences.  We like the same foods.  Enjoyed the same music.  It was like my heart beat in a natural and synced rhythm as his.  I had it bad.  Unfortunately, we had a LOT of problems.  Infidelity.  Lies.  Confusion.  Financial issues.  Control issues.  The list goes on and on. Yet, despite the fact the the issues outweighed the good, I still felt that he was my 'soulmate.'  Eventually and inevitably, we parted. 
     Now, 5 or 6 years have past and I was still stuck with the idea that my soulmate had slipped through my fingers.  Of course, the next fallacy would be that you only get one soulmate.  If you miss each other, you just miss each other.  So, any future relationships are just in vain.  So, in my mind, I conjured up the idea that I would wait.  Wait until he settled.  Wait until he realized that I was his soulmate--that we were destined to be together.  I just waited.  Sabotaged any new courtships that I've had for the past 5 or 6 years because I had to be available when he returned.  I just waited.  Dated people that were unavailable physically, emotionally and mentally because I had to be available when he returned. 
     I made the decision to change myself.  Make some improvements so that when he came back, I would knock his socks off from the new Tara!  So he would know that I was 'da bomb' and wonder why he ever left to begin with!  See, the things you do for the sake of a 'soulmate' are endless.  And the things you will do when your mind conjures up this fallacy will amaze you.  I waited for 5 or 6 years without even knowing that I was doing it. 
     But, here's when I knew.  I found out that he'd gotten married yesterday.  He got married a year ago.  And I suddenly realized that my soulmate may have been someone else's soulmate.  Besides, I was the one that stamped that label on him.  I considered our past--our issues.  Understood that having a soulmate isn't forced, it just IS.  I appreciated the fact that since our previous relationship was forced, he must NOT have been my soulmate after all!  And that means, my soulmate is still out there.  I just wish that I would have had this epiphany 5 or 6 years ago.  Then, I wouldn't have start a healing process that should have been handled years ago and feel like it just ended yesterday. 
     Life is a journey.  You really need to be careful about the ideas that your thoughts create.  Be conscious about what's realistic and what isn't.  It might be years late but I'm glad it happened, nonetheless.

-Tara

Random Thoughts #3- Personal Exploration

Let me be completely transparent with you.  At one point and time, I was (what they call) a free spirit.  I went where ever the wind blew me.  If I never did it, my goal was to try it once.  I appreciated that lifestyle too.  I bragged about it--got off from the idea of shocking others. That's where my self-confidence came from. Either you got on board with it or I left you behind.  But, through experience, I learned that a person can live as a free spirit for so long before it catches up to them.  Bad decisions. Naivety. You find yourself backed into a wall, forced to change--forced to conform to the lifestyle of a regular person.  A person that thinks before they act.  A person that watches people's actions rather than listens to their words.  I decided to re-evaluate my friendships and realized that I'd been surrounded by people that embraced the old Tara.  They liked my excitement--the thrill they got from my spontaneous lifestyle.  I'd been oblivious to their using.  The one-sided friendships.  The mismatched friendships.  In a sense, I'd victimized myself for allowing this for soooo long.  So, I cleaned slate.  Deleted everyone from my life.  Breaking attachments from long-standing friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships, I tell ya!  It's been a year since I cleaned house and I still find myself picking up the phone with nobody to call just to tell someone about my day.  I could almost suffocate in my home because I've forced myself to be a homebody.  There's even times that I decide that reconnecting with past friends would be easier then this self-inflicted torture.  But, I always catch myself because it's better to move forward than live in the past.  I'm only fearing the future.  I'm only fearing myself.  And I'm getting to know Tara.  My likes.  My desires.  My pet peeves.  What makes me smile.  What I can do that entertains me.  How to make decisions based off of my well-being.  How to heal.  How to be smart.  It's a struggle but I love me enough to explore those things.

Random Thoughts #2: Wish

The other day, I took on the project of cleaning out the hall closet.  I came across my Senior Book from high school.  The Senior Book is just a memory book that forced me into a state of nostalgia.  When movie tickets were only $6.  2pac tossed it up.  Biggie was your poppa.  Croquet braids represented beauty.  And I predicted my future.  $100,000 per year.  2 kids: a boy and a girl.  Married.  Living somewhere tropical.  All of these things would be accomplished at the age of 27.  I can remember writing it--the enthusiasm--how sure I was.  I was so eager to grow up.  At 33, I find those preditions hilarious.  I question what the rush was.  How my idea of wisdom has been altered since I wrote in that Senior Book.  Now, I'm not saying that I'm a failure.  All I'm saying is that if I would have known then what I know now, I wouldn't have rushed it.  Every morning that the alarm clock beeps me out of slumber, I wish I was 17.  I wish my financial responsibilities involved just a pager bill and new outfit.  Wish I didn't know the definition of a budget. Wish I didn't have to make sacrifices for myself.  Wish I didn't have to prioritize.  Wish I could toss my planner out of the window and live on a whim.  But reality is reality.  Which is why I'm a writer because what I can't experience, I can write about.  And what I write about becomes my own reality.

Random Thoughts #1: Cuff

Last night I lay spread-eagled across my king-size bed.  We all toss in our sleep, I think, but a single person in a king-size bed defines the art of tossing.  I cuffed my body pillow under my leg, remembering the cuffing under a man.  I've come to see that in my 30s one of two things can be expected.  Either things happen or they don't.  People get married.  People have kids.  Careers take off.  That flashlight flicks on in your brain and realize that your old ways just don't suffice anymore.  You're wiser.  And for single women with no kids, that clock starts to tick. You want someone to cuff in slumber.  But, how laboring it is to find someone at this age?!  You're burned out on the club scene.  Plus, you've been told that a man at the club isn't the man you want.  You find yourself planted in front of the television knowing damn well that the man of your dreams isn't going to just walk through your door.  You consider online dating but after the man with the glass eye, the stalker and the pathological liar, you reconsider.  So you just pray and wait.  But, for now, here you are, tossing in your bed, cuffing that body pillow waiting for a warm body to cuff or, better yet, spoon.