We develop relationships, friendships,
partnerships and situation-ships every day.
And as those ‘ships’ evolve, so do expectations. Expectations are
understandable. You create this lasting bond with someone. You trust
them—become comfortable with them. You develop this
give-them-the-clothes-off-your-back mentality and you ‘expect’ them to do the
same. Then, when they do the opposite, you get disappointed.
It’s important to understand that
everyone is different. Different thought processes—different
personalities—different perspectives—different life experiences—different
expectations. True, it’s a remedial observation but people do forget it. We
become so inundated with self, strategizing, overthinking and validating our
own thoughts, we trick ourselves into believing that other people should think
like we do.
Take a look at the chart below. According to an online study, two of the
emotions on the chart, anger and sadness, are responses to expectations not
being met. The other two emotions,
anxiety and shame, are felt by the other side, the person trying to meet your
expectations. As you can see, the chart asks the question, “Are your
expectations realistic or unrealistic?”
In my opinion, this chart is a really good representation of setting
unattainable expectations. Now imagine a
worse scenario—you never expressing your expectations to a person. How does the other person even know what to
aspire to??
I’m gonna tell you a personal story
about expectations. I had a friendship that spanned 15 years. I began to feel
like I was carrying the friendship. For years, she satisfied her best friend
responsibilities, including me in her family time, inviting me to outings,
calling me to chat it up about life and drama. Suddenly, it changed. I became
the only one initiating phone calls. I’d find out about her family gatherings
after they already occurred. She became so non-existent in my life that I
started to question the ‘best friend’ label. I started questioning her. Did I do something wrong? Why haven’t we
hung out? Her response would give me lukewarm reassurance. Then, the
ultimate happened. I accomplished a major milestone in my life—and she missed
it. That was the deal breaker—the unmet expectation. My explanation of her
behavior was that she’d become complacent in the friendship. I felt that friendships are a 2-way street.
No matter how long the friendship lasts, you always have to work at it. When you stop working, the ‘ship’ has sailed.
But, as they say, hindsight view is
20/20. Once I started to evaluate it, I learned how setting expectations ended
the closest friendship I had. I didn’t look at it from her perspective. She’d
encountered a bunch of life-changing situations during the complacency stage of
our friendship. Loss. Struggle. Love. Pain. Financial strife. And in all of her
situations, I kept trucking along in our friendship as if nothing was
happening. And what I failed to realize was that life-changing situations not
only preoccupy you—they change you. And it gets deeper than that! I’d
encountered my own life-changing situations. Depression. Loss. Low self-esteem.
And those situations changed me! So, here you have 2 people dealing with each
other the same way under different, extenuating circumstances. It’s a lose-lose situation.
Nine times out of 10, expectations
aren’t communicated, resulting in a communication breakdown. Two people end up
at odds because one didn’t meet a requirement—because reciprocity isn’t
exercised. I read a book once by Dr. Robert Cialdini called The 6 Principles of
Influence. Reciprocity is one of the 6 principles. It’s at the top of the list
because it’s used so excessively. Another principle is ‘liking’. Liking is the
act of doing something for someone without expectation or reward. Just doing things out of the goodness of your
heart. No expectations. No reciprocation. We get away from liking so often because we
desire validation—a feeling that we are not being used. And if you’re like me,
you’ve had a past experience in which a person genuinely didn’t value you or
used you. And it changes you—it makes you, in a sense, paranoid. Then, you
start setting expectations on everyone and believe that if they don’t meet our
expectation, they aren’t worth our time. You forget about LIKING. Just liking someone because you do. Just doing because you want to. Just treating someone the way you want to be
treated. Just paying it forward.
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