Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Random Thoughts #3- Personal Exploration
Let me be completely transparent with you. At one point and time, I was (what they call) a free spirit. I went where ever the wind blew me. If I never did it, my goal was to try it once. I appreciated that lifestyle too. I bragged about it--got off from the idea of shocking others. That's where my self-confidence came from. Either you got on board with it or I left you behind. But, through experience, I learned that a person can live as a free spirit for so long before it catches up to them. Bad decisions. Naivety. You find yourself backed into a wall, forced to change--forced to conform to the lifestyle of a regular person. A person that thinks before they act. A person that watches people's actions rather than listens to their words. I decided to re-evaluate my friendships and realized that I'd been surrounded by people that embraced the old Tara. They liked my excitement--the thrill they got from my spontaneous lifestyle. I'd been oblivious to their using. The one-sided friendships. The mismatched friendships. In a sense, I'd victimized myself for allowing this for soooo long. So, I cleaned slate. Deleted everyone from my life. Breaking attachments from long-standing friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships, I tell ya! It's been a year since I cleaned house and I still find myself picking up the phone with nobody to call just to tell someone about my day. I could almost suffocate in my home because I've forced myself to be a homebody. There's even times that I decide that reconnecting with past friends would be easier then this self-inflicted torture. But, I always catch myself because it's better to move forward than live in the past. I'm only fearing the future. I'm only fearing myself. And I'm getting to know Tara. My likes. My desires. My pet peeves. What makes me smile. What I can do that entertains me. How to make decisions based off of my well-being. How to heal. How to be smart. It's a struggle but I love me enough to explore those things.
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Is this simply an intervention to change from being a "free spirit" because of age?? Do you feel converting to a "normal" life is what will make you happy??
ReplyDeleteNot necessarily because of age. I think it's just a natural reaction to the results of my bad decision-making. Kind of like it you put your hand on a hot stove and get burned. Putting your hand back on that hot stove would be silly. It's kind of like a forced change. The realization that, at some point, you can't just fly by the wind. You have to be conscious of the decisions you make. Consider the consequences of every action you take. I think that converting to a "normal" life is essential for a less problematic life.
ReplyDeleteWow. This is exactly what I did about a year ago. I totally changed from just doing "whatever", to actually having to think a little about where I was, who I was with, and the ever so important what kind of perception I was projecting. It was rough. To keep it real, its still rough! What really touched me the most in what you wrote was that at a time you found yourself picking up the phone with no one to call to tell just about your day. I feel the same here. I find myself firing up a grill ready to cook and chill just find that there's no one to have that beer with. But I feel you. Its better to move forward no matter how much it hurts rather than go backwards. Its refreshing to see that some else feels the same way!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your input, Calvin! It IS a daily struggle! But I'm learning that the further I get along, I have more good days than bad days and I'm actually meeting more beneficial people in my life.
DeleteAnytime! And yes, with this lifestyle change you do meet beneficial people that feel and think they way you do and have been where you've been. That's the cool part!
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