Random Thoughts #22 - Setting Expectations

We develop relationships, friendships, partnerships and situation-ships every day.  And as those ‘ships’ evolve, so do expectations. Expectations are understandable. You create this lasting bond with someone. You trust them—become comfortable with them. You develop this give-them-the-clothes-off-your-back mentality and you ‘expect’ them to do the same. Then, when they do the opposite, you get disappointed.

 

It’s important to understand that everyone is different. Different thought processes—different personalities—different perspectives—different life experiences—different expectations. True, it’s a remedial observation but people do forget it. We become so inundated with self, strategizing, overthinking and validating our own thoughts, we trick ourselves into believing that other people should think like we do.

 

Take a look at the chart below.  According to an online study, two of the emotions on the chart, anger and sadness, are responses to expectations not being met.  The other two emotions, anxiety and shame, are felt by the other side, the person trying to meet your expectations. As you can see, the chart asks the question, “Are your expectations realistic or unrealistic?”  In my opinion, this chart is a really good representation of setting unattainable expectations.  Now imagine a worse scenario—you never expressing your expectations to a person.  How does the other person even know what to aspire to??

                                                                    

I’m gonna tell you a personal story about expectations. I had a friendship that spanned 15 years. I began to feel like I was carrying the friendship. For years, she satisfied her best friend responsibilities, including me in her family time, inviting me to outings, calling me to chat it up about life and drama. Suddenly, it changed. I became the only one initiating phone calls. I’d find out about her family gatherings after they already occurred. She became so non-existent in my life that I started to question the ‘best friend’ label. I started questioning her. Did I do something wrong? Why haven’t we hung out? Her response would give me lukewarm reassurance. Then, the ultimate happened. I accomplished a major milestone in my life—and she missed it. That was the deal breaker—the unmet expectation. My explanation of her behavior was that she’d become complacent in the friendship.  I felt that friendships are a 2-way street. No matter how long the friendship lasts, you always have to work at it.  When you stop working, the ‘ship’ has sailed.

 

But, as they say, hindsight view is 20/20. Once I started to evaluate it, I learned how setting expectations ended the closest friendship I had. I didn’t look at it from her perspective. She’d encountered a bunch of life-changing situations during the complacency stage of our friendship. Loss. Struggle. Love. Pain. Financial strife. And in all of her situations, I kept trucking along in our friendship as if nothing was happening. And what I failed to realize was that life-changing situations not only preoccupy you—they change you. And it gets deeper than that! I’d encountered my own life-changing situations. Depression. Loss. Low self-esteem. And those situations changed me! So, here you have 2 people dealing with each other the same way under different, extenuating circumstances.  It’s a lose-lose situation.

 

Nine times out of 10, expectations aren’t communicated, resulting in a communication breakdown. Two people end up at odds because one didn’t meet a requirement—because reciprocity isn’t exercised. I read a book once by Dr. Robert Cialdini called The 6 Principles of Influence. Reciprocity is one of the 6 principles. It’s at the top of the list because it’s used so excessively. Another principle is ‘liking’. Liking is the act of doing something for someone without expectation or reward.  Just doing things out of the goodness of your heart.  No expectations.  No reciprocation.  We get away from liking so often because we desire validation—a feeling that we are not being used. And if you’re like me, you’ve had a past experience in which a person genuinely didn’t value you or used you. And it changes you—it makes you, in a sense, paranoid. Then, you start setting expectations on everyone and believe that if they don’t meet our expectation, they aren’t worth our time. You forget about LIKING.  Just liking someone because you do.  Just doing because you want to.  Just treating someone the way you want to be treated. Just paying it forward.

Random Thoughts #21 - Know the Difference

Those that know me well know that I’ve dealt with a lot of past heartache--and that heartache has created a shield—a protection from future pain.  If a person hurts me or gives me the inkling of potential hurt, I simply block them.  It has been successful in protecting my heart.  But, having this sort of defense mechanism does two things: it makes it too easy and it makes an assumption (and sometimes an inaccurate one).  Life has its obstacles, its ups and downs, and many people say if you don’t allow yourself to experience, you don’t grow to your full potential.  Experiencing things, whether good or bad, makes you stronger.  Blocking people (or experiences) not only blocks the person, it blocks you from a potential lesson.  Yes, it makes things easy; your heart remains intact—but that’s all it does!  Blocking also creates an assumption, especially when you have an inkling of potential hurt.  An inkling is simply a perception.  You ‘perceive’ that a certain action could hurt you in the future so you react.  But, before you react, it warrants a discussion with the other person to eliminate the perception or assumption. 

 

Looking at my Facebook or Instagram block list or my cell phone block list, I see a long list of names and numbers.  If I take a moment to evaluate each encounter and what caused the demise, I see that in hindsight, sometimes it really wasn’t that serious.  But, the reality is that people act off of impulse when it comes to matters of the heart.  And, sometimes, time heals wounds.  And sometimes, we took the easy road out without dealing with the situation.  When reading an article on Psychology Today, I read a statement that said, “We live in a world where people—even those we once loved—are treated as if they were disposable.  Without even talking about the issue, we move away from friends and family who disappoint us, and without so much as a goodbye, they are out of our lives.”  It goes on to say that, “If you just disappear without saying what went wrong, that person won’t have the chance to make up for the pain you felt and may still feel.” 

 

We need to learn the difference between protecting ourselves and seeing people as disposable.  People are imperfect.  They make bad decisions and act on impulses (I know I have a slew of things I’ve done wrong).  When we simply cut someone off without working on it, we block ourselves from the opportunity of saving the relationship and growing as a person.  I don’t know about anyone else but, many times, I’ve blocked someone out of my life and later regretted it.  And, once you do it, you can’t just rewind—because you robbed the other person of an explanation or an apology.  So, one thing I vow to start doing in 2017 is to talk things out before blocking.  That’s not to say I won’t still protect my heart—it’s saying I will gather solid facts before making a decision.  Not assume.  Not hold onto resentment.  Not regret it in the future.  I will handle it now to the best of my ability and take responsibility for my own actions before coming to a conclusion.  And I hope that’s what you do too.

Random Thoughts #20: The Sugar Mentality

You meet a guy (or gal).  You date for—let’s say—2 or 3 months.  Although the two of you do exclusive things (if you know what I mean), you are not exclusive.  One day, out of the blue, he/she asks you for money.  Not a massive amount, just enough to pay a small bill.  What to you take from this favor?  Do you offer it freely? Are you offended? 

I recall having a conversation with a friend a few months ago and she said that the ultimate form of disrespect was a man asking for money.  That was her deal-breaker.  She’d give him a piece of her mind and go the opposite direction.  But, nowadays, times have changed.  Roles have been reversed in dating.  People no longer adhere to prehistoric views of the ‘men as providers’. 

I’d even venture to say that, in certain cities and states, the SugarMomma mentality has become the new normal.  In the St. Louis area, I’ve seen too many times when women take on the role of the breadwinner in a relationship or even just dating.  I’ve seen men live rent-free, get chauffeured around or even drive the woman’s vehicle regularly, receive gifts and get bills paid by the woman.  To some men, meeting a successful woman has changed from finding ‘the ideal woman’ to finding ‘a come-up’.  And we, as women, are partially to blame.  We lower our expectations.  For reasons of low self-esteem, scarcity in the male single population, longevity of being single and the ticking biological clock, we make exceptions.  Sometimes, we make it okay for the roles to reverse. 

I’m not just going to be bias on this topic because I’m a woman either.  I’ve also seen women with this same SugarDaddy mentality, seeing successful men as a ‘come-up’ rather than a solid suitor.  Either is not okay while dating.  People should be judged not by the green in their wallet or bulge in their Michael Kors purse but by their character.

Then, there’s the difference between a money favor happening during dating or relationship.  It seems to be more permissive when a relationship has been established.  It’s more of a give and take.  More concrete.  The person is less likely to fear being used.  Now, dating is a completely different arena.  A man (or woman) is 3 weeks into dating and asks, “Can you let me hold about $100?  I can’t pay my cell bill this month.”  Now, that is a no-go!  You don’t know each other well enough to ask favors like that!  A person starts to question what this courtship is really about—are they a trick and don’t know it?! 

Then, we (men or women) have to consider that we may be dating a financial opposite.  For example, if he’s 2 years your elder with a couple credit hours at a community college and happily working at McDonalds but she’s twice degreed with a salary and a mortgage, maybe the two of you or unevenly-yoked.  And this goes both ways, if he has his MBA and has a management role at a Fortune 500 company and she has a GED and does hair out of her cousin’s basement with no cosmetology license, then maybe the two of you aren’t a good match.  It’s not to judge a person; it’s just to recognize that the two don’t mesh financially.  It has the potential to cause conflict later in some situations.

It we take a biblical approach to this topic, we know that men are seen as the provider.  Yes, we are so far from that old school view but, really, how far away from that mindset should we stray?!  I read an article recently that gives a male point-of-view on this topic.  One man says that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, meaning that if she can receive, she can also give.  Another man goes as far as calling the old school view childish.  Statistics show that, for the first time ever, there are more women receiving college degrees than men.  The latest recession has hit men far harder than women, possibly causing this role shift.  But, are people (men or women) using their financial situations as an excuse?  I mean, as long as you are able-bodied, you should be able to achieve the same things.  Is it pure laziness from one side?  So, why does one person have to play the role of SugarMomma or SugarDaddy?

Random Thoughts #19- Live Now!

People, in general, are creatures of habit.  We become accustomed to a routine.  We have responsibilities.  And as we follow through with our daily routines and satisfy those responsibilities, everything else goes on the backburner.  We don’t stop to smell the roses—to become overwhelmed with God’s beautiful creations.  Another thing we don’t do is focus on self—what makes us smile—what makes us happy—what improves us. 

I did a bit of research about how much time people waste in their life that I’d like to share with you. Taking into account your entire life:

ü  5 years are spent online

ü  26 years are spent sleeping

ü  366 days are spent being sick

ü  11 years are spent watching TV

ü  5 months are spent complaining

ü  99,117 hours are spent at work

ü  6 months are spent waiting in line

ü  20 weeks are spent being on hold

ü  46,800 hours are spent doing chores

ü  Only 115 days are spent laughing

ü  Only 658 hours are spent cuddling

We spend a massive amount of time dedicated to routine tasks?!  Now, compare the underlined time—the time you spend doing things that impact your heart and soul.  Just IMAGINE if a poll was taken on vacationing or counting stars or performing your favorite hobby or being social!  Life flies by—and the next thing we know we’ve aged 10 more years with a bunch of coulda, shoulda, wouldas!

So, I urge you to take that vacation you’ve wanted to take.  Take up that hobby you’ve been putting off.  Enjoy your loved ones before they no longer exist.  Smile often.  Laugh loudly.  Dance badly.  Sing off-key along to songs.  Count stars.  Sit outside and enjoy the fresh air.  Enjoy. Your. Life.

Random Thoughts #18- Be Open To Grow

Have you ever known someone who has the answer to everything—never apologizes for their mistakes—never accepts accountability—never admits fault—stops growing?

It’s a fact that now matter how old you are, you can still grow.  The difference between growth in age and growth in character is that the latter is a choice.  Have you ever heard the phrase, oh that’s just how they are? I don’t accept that—because, people shouldn’t just be tolerated just because they are set in their ways.  People need to be open to constructive criticism.  They need to be aware of their strengths and weaknesses—knowledgeable about their flaws.  We all have them!  People should be open for improvement—always. 

There needs to be a universal understanding that everyone does not think or act like you do.  Therefore, you have to be open to change—open for growth.  When you become so perfected in your character that there is no room for growth, you become obsolete to the masses.  That’s right, obsolete!  Let me explain what I mean.  I remember one time—and I can’t recall who said it but—someone criticized me for not saying thank you enough.  I was offended—even defended myself, saying that I do say it when it needs to be said.  Well, once I took the time to reflect, I realized that I didn’t say it.  I simply went through my days expecting people to do things for me without expressing any appreciation.  Because of that criticism, I now make a conscious effort to thank people for EVERYTHING.  And when I do so, the other person feels appreciated.  They may, in turn, appreciate someone else.  It’s a domino effect and it’s a way you can benefit others—and, of course, benefit yourself.

Random Thoughts #17- Avoidable Stress

Who has stressed you out?  Who has disrespected you, neglected you, hurt you, misunderstood you, lost faith in you, violated you or betrayed you?  How many times did you wonder what a person was THINKING when they committed this negative deed?  But really…do you know where the audacity came from? A person’s interaction with others involves SO much more than just 1-on-1.  It involves their life, their habits…their day.  A big percentage of a person’s emotional energy is either trapped in the past or stuck worrying about the future. In other words, it is just not available to you. So, on any given day you might start the day with as little as 45-50% of potentially available energy. Then the day most probably continues with events/people/places zapping energy from you, rather than adding to or nourishing you.  Just imagine how much positive energy a person might be lacking by the time that they attend to matters involving you!  For this very reason, whenever people generate personal turmoil within you, it’s important to take them with a grain of salt.  If you have any grudges that you currently have, it’s crucial for you to LET IT GO!  Yes, they may have been foul!  Yes, they may have hurt you!  Yes, you both may still have contradicting thoughts on who was right or who was wrong! However, we need to learn to release that negative energy and BREAK THE DOMINO EFFECT!

Random Thoughts #16- All About You

We have our insecurities that either everyone knows about—or no one knows about at all.

We can’t stand traffic jams when we’re running late.  And even rush when we have nowhere to go.

We make mistakes whether we realize it or not—and sometimes, we choose not to apologize for it.  And sometimes, we apologize and others don’t forgive us.  And sometimes, we harbor regret that consumes us and we never let go of that mistake. 

We act irrationally to a situation without thinking first—or we think first, and rationalize your own actions no matter how absurd they are. 

Every aspect of your personality makes you the quirky person you are—no matter how negative or positive.  And as long as you continue to strive to be better, all is well.

Now tell THAT to the next person that encounters you.