Random Thoughts #14: Sailing Ships and Likelihood

We develop relationships, friendships and partnerships every day.  And as those ‘ships’ evolve, so do your expectations of them.

Expectations are understandable.  You create this lasting bond with someone.  You trust them—become comfortable with them.  You develop this give-them-the-clothes-off-your-back mentality and you ‘expect’ them to do the same.  Then, when they do something that makes you feel like it’s not being reciprocated to your liking, you get disappointed.

It’s important to understand that everyone is different.  Different thought processes—different personalities—different perspectives—different expectations.  True, it’s a remedial observation but people do forget it.  We become so inundated with self, strategizing and validating our own thoughts, that we trick ourselves into believing that other people should side with us. 

I had a friendship that spanned 15 years.  I began to feel like I was carrying the friendship; my friend just went along for the ride.  For years, she satisfied her BFF responsibilities, including me in her family time, inviting me to outings, calling me to chat it up about life and drama.  Then, it changed.  I became the only one initiating phone calls.  I’d find out about family gatherings after they already occurred.  She became so non-existent in my life that I started to question the BFF label.  I started to question her.  Did I do something wrong?  Why haven’t we hung out?  Her responses would give me lukewarm reassurance.  Then, the ultimate happened.  I accomplished a major milestone in my life—and she missed it.  That was the deal breaker—the unmet expectation.  My explanation of her behavior was that she’d become complacent in the friendship.  I felt that ‘ships’ were a 2-way street.  No matter how long it lasts, you always have to work at it.  When you stop, the ‘ship’ has sailed.

I had my hindsight view after I end my friendship with her.  She’d encountered a bunch of life-changing situations during the complacency stage of our friendship.  Loss.  Struggle.  Love.  Pain.  Financial strife.  And in all of her situations, I kept trucking along in our friendship as if nothing happened.  And what I failed to realize was that life-changing situations not only preoccupy you—they change you.  And it gets deeper than that!  I’d encountered my own life-changing situations.  Depression.  Loss.  Low self-esteem.  And those situations changed me!  So, here you have 2 people dealing with each other the same way.  One person setting expectations on the other—without letting the other person know—and one feeling like the other should understand her disdain.

Setting expectations on someone is a losing battle.  Nine times out of 10, expectations aren’t communicated, resulting in a communication breakdown.  Two people end up at odds because one didn’t meet a requirement—because reciprocity isn’t exercised. 

I read a book once by Dr. Robert Cialdini called The 6 Principles of Influence.  Reciprocity is one of the 6 principles—equivalent to the other 5 principles but used so excessively that its’ been placed at the top of the list.  But, what about the other principles of influence?  Let’s take ‘liking’, for example.  Liking is the act of doing something for someone without expectation or reward.  Just doing things out of the goodness of your heart.  No expectations.  No reciprocation.  Just doing someone because you like someone. 

We got out of that favor so often because we desire validation—a feeling that we are not being used. And unfortunately, we may cross paths with a person that genuinely DOES NOT value us—someone that uses us.  And it makes us reluctant—paranoid.  Then, we start to set expectations on EVERYONE and believe that, if they don’t meet our expectation, they aren’t worth our time.  We forget about LIKING.  Just liking someone because you do.  Just doing because you want to.  Just treating someone the way you want to be treated.  Just paying it forward.  

Random Thoughts #13: What Do You Need?

Upon acquiring my last degree, one thing seems to be stamped in my memory, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. 

Let me explain if you've never heard of it.  The idea is that everyone has one need that trumps all others.  It's the one thing that is most important to you right now.  And these needs can change.  As you grow, as your personality changes and life happens, your ultimate need shifts.  According to Maslow, your needs are broken up into self-actualization (which includes morality, spontaneity, facts), esteem (which includes confidence, accomplishment,  respect, acchievement), love/belonging (which includes family, friends, relationship, sex),  safety (which includes security of body, employment, resources, family, health, property) and, last but not least, physiological (which includes breathing, food, water, sleep, peace, the simple things).

The reason I'm touching on this topic is because I find it to be so true in my own life.  I've gotten a book deal, published my first book, gotten a promotion, acquired my 3rd degree, purchased a new car, moved into a pretty decent townhome...but I find that none of those things contribute to my happiness. From the outside looking in, someone might think that I'm doing well in my life right now--I've achieved some level of success.  But, in reality, those accomplishments are empty if your ultimate need is not met.  It's almost like when you see celebrities like Brittney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.  They have the success, popularity...yet they are unhappy.  I think, it's because they're ultimate need hasn't been met.

My ultimate need is love/belonging.  That's something I don't have in a few areas.  On one side, my family is so segregated that I don't have the comfort of feeling an overwhelming amount of love from them.  It comes in pieces--and only during certain times--and only if they decide to call/or stop by or I decide to do the same.  The fact is--we are not close-knit and I've always been a family-oriented person.  On the other side, I don't receive love in the form of a relationship.  I haven't had a relationship in almost 7 years (with the exception of one that last for 2 months).  My dating experiences have been discouraging and, to be honest, the thought of the men I've encountered lately makes me want to throw up.  Lastly, there's the belonging part. I've always been surrounded by friends.  As I've grown and changed, I've removed the majority of them out of my life.  It was an intentional thing.  But, not having someone to talk to or lean on becomes really old, really quick.  This love/belonging thing is literally eating me alive.  It's like if I don't have it, I can't breathe right.  Like it's cutting of my circulation--not giving me something to look forward to. 

When you have an ultimate need that isn't being met, it negates everything else positive going on in your life.  And the problem is, any inkling of potentially having that need being met, you latch onto and hold on for dear life.  Since mine is love/belonging, I cling to people, trust too easily, make bad decisions in regards to dating.  When something in regards to love/belonging fails, I'm crushed.  I take it harder than the average person.  It's like experiencing death. 

My question is, though, how do you cope with the lack thereof of an ultimate need until it arrives?  I would imagine that most people can't cope, they just exist--or concede to not existing anymore. 

And, what's your ultimate need?  How far would you go for that need?  What is most important to you that negates anything else?  Is it esteem--do you focus all your time and efforts on work or school--is work/school the main thing that makes you feel good about yourself?  Is it morality--do you harp on honesty--are you a stickler for facts--would you end a relationship because you dislike someone's moral value?  Or is it safety--is your only worry that you keep a roof above your head and a steady paycheck coming in--are you a fitness fanatic?  Or is it the basics--do you just want to be peaceful and eat, sleep and live? 

Now that you have considered what your ultimate need is, consider this.  What if you haven't achieved it?  How do you cope?

Random Thoughts #12: The Infamous 90-day Rule

Anyone that's read Steve Harvey's book or watched his movie are quite familiar with the 90-day rule.  The idea is that you meet someone and place them on a probationary period (like a job would) to allow you to really get to know the person before having sex. 

It sounds nice.  Logical.  But, how many people actually adhere to this rule?  So, I'm going to come from a different perspective--from the perspective of someone that does not agree.  Now, I'm not saying I'll go and sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry out there at the drop of a hat.  I just don't place rules on anything.  Sex is the most intimate form of connection you can have with someone and everyone, no matter who you are or how you were raised, has needs.  When you're in the moment, making that decision whether to prematurely take it all the way or not, it's hard to back away--especially if the connection and attraction almost envelopes you.  So, those of us with little willpower, live in the moment and hope for no raised eyebrows in the morning. 

I'm all about connections.  I believe that magnetic energy can be so extreme that it begins to puppetmaster you.  But, I'm not oblivious to the drawbacks of succumbing to intimate desires.  We, as women, have to question.  Was that all he wanted?  What does he think about me now?  Is this only going to be about sex in the future?  And I say, it's really all about the person you have sex with.  The man may have preconceived notions about women that have sex too quickly.  They might question who else got it that easily. They might not see a challenge.  Or...they might see it as two grown-ups acting on their feelings and indulging themselves in each other.  No foul, no harm done, no raised eyebrows in the morning.

But, here's another thing I want to touch on.  Say, you do wait the 90 days.  The man abides by your wishes and sticks in there the entire 90 days.  As you progress in this courtship, your feelings for him build.  You start to envision a future between the two of you.  He want to be with him and only him.  But, let me ask you this question. Just because you instituted a 90-day rule, does that mean that he's done so as well? Do you really think for the sake of you, he's going to take this 3-month vow of celibacy?!  As I stated earlier, everyone has needs--and while you are clinching your pillow between your thighs or running down batteries, he could potentially be getting his needs satisfied elsewhere.  I'm not saying you need to give in because he might seek it elsewhere.  What I'm saying is that you have to be open to the possibility. 

And, furthermore, who's to say that the 90 days works?!  How do you know that that man isn't just a patient man and only playing the role just to get the draws and after the 90 days, he gets it and quits it?!  You don't know, do you?  I had a guy that I dated in 2000 for a few months.  At that time, I got the idea that he just wanted to have sex so I went out of my way NOT to have sex with him.  Eventually, the courtship dissipated.  Then, 1 year ago, I ran across him online. We chatted a bit.  Reminisced.  Made plans for him to come over and watch a movie.  But, this time, I wasn't so stern on keeping the goodies to myself.  Besides, it'd been 12 years.  Surely, 12 years was long enough to get respect.  Well, guess what.  I gave in and never heard from him again.  I'm telling you, this man waited 12 years to get ONLY sex.  The wait didn't change his motive.  It just depends on the person.  So, in my mind, it's not about the 90-day rule, it's about accurately reading the person you considering laying down with.

Random Thoughts #11: Follow Your Gut

I want to talk about the inkling you get when something isn't right--when you can't quite put your finger on it but deep in your gut, you know.  Intuition.  It's a funny thing.  If you ignore it, it literally stalks you.  It makes you pay attention.  I've heard that intuition isn't really intuition at all; it's God's way of warning you.  No matter what it is, I have to acknowledge it.  Because, intuition can help you prevent SO many situations.  It'll save you from so much pain and heartache and stress.

I only paid attention to it part of the time--when it benefits me.  And that's not the way to go.  Sometimes, we have to make decisions based off of instinct no matter how much they hurt.

It baffles me to sit back and recall all of my ignored intuitions.  Something told me that he was cheating and I didn't inspect because I had no evidence.  I later found out that he was cheating with his female best friend.  Something told me that my best friend was stealing from me and I didn't pay attention because my best friend would never do that.  I later found out that she'd stolen over $3000 in a 5-year span.  Something told me to leave that club and go home.  But, I wanted to stay a little while longer--have a couple more drinks--and ended up dodging bullets inside.

I think you get my point.

But, the question is why do we wait to experience the pain and not just cut it lose from the start?!  Why are we so hard-headed?  I've made the decision to follow it from now on.  If I don't feel safe, feel sincerity, feel secure about something, I'm cutting it lose.  I don't know about you but I've experienced enough hurt and pain and I'd go to any measure to prevent it in the future.

Random Thoughts #10- Love or Imaginary Butterflies?

I have to admit, I am in love with love.  Just the idea of it makes me blush.  I'm a sucker for mushy love movies, the idea of  'happily ever after' and 'love at first sight' and cornball talking during courtships.

Being in love with love has its benefits.  I stay optimistic!  Through it all--all the failed courtships and relationships--I keep the high hopes that Mr. Right is just around the corner, within my reach, I just haven't met him yet.  Or--maybe I have some things to work on with me and that's why I haven't met him yet.

But, being in love with love has its downfalls as well.  In society today, we have to face the reality that love isn't so close in your reach as you might think.  You have to kiss a few trolls to find your prince or princess.  In saying that, you have to be very cautious that you aren't placing unwarranted optimism on losers.  Some people present that illusion--that idea that they are 'the one' and just because you want it so badly, you run with that.  You ignore the red flags for the sake of potential love.  You make exceptions for the potential of love.  A wonderful quote I read recently from Iyanla Vanzant is, "A mistake we make in relationships very often is we draw a line, and then when somebody crosses it, rather than enact a consequence, we back up and draw another line."  Profound, isn't it?!  I can attest to this quote.  There have been too many times during courtships where I've ignored a red flag--where they've crossed a boundary-- and, because of the potential of love, I don't address it.  

Then, there's that biological clock issue.  As the days pass, I'm constantly counting down.  I don't have children yet.  I don't have potential love yet.  I can recall writing in my high school Senior Book, mapping out my life.  It said that I'd be married by the time I was 25 and have two children by the time I was 30.  Now, at 34, I reflect back to that and laugh.  Sometimes, life just doesn't pan out the way you plan it.  And, I think, when we get into our 30's we stop being so concerned about the fun and start focusing on the future.  And the biological clock starts ticking because--who wants to be a lonely old lady with a slew of cats or a lonely old man with pockets full of change, making inappropriate comments to perky young women?  I know I don't want that!  I want the fairytale. And, despite popular opinion, I still believe that it exists.  

But, the main point is, considering all of the downfalls of being a love-starved person, you run the risk of being considered needy or thirsty or desperate and THAT is unattractive, sending you right back to square one.  It's okay to want love, to be in love with the idea of love, but it's not okay to want it so bad that the naturalness of courtship disappears. 

Love is a tricky thing.  It's easy to mistake whether it's infatuation (imaginary butterflies) or the real thing, especially when you've never experienced love or haven't experienced it in a while.  But, there are ways to differentiate between the two.  Love is the feeling that you get when all the guards are down, you're fully relaxed, you no longer sugarcoat stories or present a representative, you've had a disagreement, you've experienced something that you don't like about a person and made the decision to keep them around anyway.  Love is a connection, not a forced one, not a sexual one, it's an imaginary energy that draws you to a person that seems to be magnetic in the presence of one another.  It's undeniable and both parties can feel it.  It's a place where you can converse without words.  It's the intoxicating feeling that you get after a kiss or a simple touch when you haven't had a drop of liquor to drink.  It's those moments when you say the same thing at the same time or you pick up your cell phone to text them and it buzzes with a text from them.  

Imaginary butterflies is similar.  It has the intoxicating feeling too, the flightiness, the non-stopped thinking about a person.  These feelings are usually at their strongest when you are NOT in the presence of that person.  Usually infatuated people battle with the thought of whether to tell the person how they feel because they fear rejection.  Love, on the other hand, is free-flowing--there's no apprehension about sharing your feelings.  Usually infatuated people rationalize their feelings.  They have to tell everyone--mostly to convince themselves that it's real.  And, most of the time, in rationalizing the infatuation, they have either knowingly or unknowingly ignored a red flag.  A good way to test whether you are a victim of the imaginary butterflies is to speak every detail of your courtship aloud excluding nothing--even the missed calls, the cancelled dates, the odd comments, the resistance.  If you find any holes, anything questionable or fishy or out of the norm, then you, my friend, are infatuated.  

Now, I don't claim to be the love guru.  However, I speak from experience.  I'm a lover of love. I've experienced those imaginary butterflies on too many occasions.  I haven't experienced love in almost 6 years; I almost forgot what it felt like until now.  I just realized the difference and had to share my thoughts with the world.  

Random Thoughts #9- Game On!

Ok, so I can admit that even though I've dated for what seems like forever, I still seem to be clueless about it (in some aspects).  Here's my thought process.  If you like somebody, tell them.  If you want them to be sure that you like them, show them.  There are no rules on when and when not to tell him/her.  It's not the old times and we (as women) don't have to wait, sitting pretty, waiting for the man to chase us.  Just say what you want!  Go after it!  Tell him how you feel!  I mean, people, we are in a day and age of women getting down on one knee and proposing to their man.  We no longer wait until the man comes to the realization about it.  We should be forthright about it.  There is no guidebook on how the courtship should go with a man. Just follow your heart and where ever it leads you, follow it.  It's as simple as that.

That's what I thought.  But, boy was I wrong. 

The courtship process has got to entail a game.  The proverbial cat and mouse race.  The fact is that if a man does not chase a woman, if there is no challenge, it makes things less interesting.  Everyone does not act upon spontaneity, some people use discretion.  Now, I'm not very religious but, from what I've heard, the bible explicitly states that the man should chase.  So, who am I to argue with that fact!  The man should be the predator and the women should be the obliging prey.

But, here's where the game comes in.

Once the man pursues the woman, the woman can not simply give in.  She has to continue to present a challenge--essentially, throw the man off.  It's as easy as this..let's say you have a man playing a game of Grand Theft Auto.  He plays for hours on end with his eyes glued to the TV, skipping dinner, ignoring his significant other--just playing.  Why would he do that?  Because he's being challenged--mentally stimulated.  But, what if he could beat the Grand Theft Auto game in one hour?  Do you really think he would play it again?  Besides, he's already conquered it.  There's no challenge.  There's nothing to stimulate him anymore. 

We have to keep the cat and mouse race going.  If he texts you, wait for a bit to respond or don't respond until after the second text.  If he calls, don't be available all the time to answer.  Make him miss you.  Make him want you.  If you've ever seen the cartoon, Tom & Jerry, you've probably seen Tom trying his best to catch Jerry but Jerry always outwits him.  Yet, EVERY episode, he trys again.  We have to mimic that cartoon in courtships--and it looks like women don't have a choice in the matter.

Random Thoughts #8 - Let's Talk Coffee and Cream...

Just the other night, I had a conversation with a friend about race.  Obviously, we shared a difference in opinion because the conversation became pretty heated.  So, I wanted to share my opinion and solicit a little feedback.  I realize that race is one of those subjects that automatically ruffles people's feathers. (especially me)  But, considering the situation, I had discuss it.

Here's the situation.  I have a Caucasian neighbor that has recently befriended me.  On a few times that my friend visited my home, my neighbor stopped by.  But, let me give you the back story on the neighbor.  She's was raised in the south and admits that her family has many prejudice traits.  The times that she's visited, she's exposed a few facts.

1.  Her last boyfriend was Caucasian and despises African American.  She ever agreed with his beliefs but continued the relationship anyway.

2.  She's dated 2 African Americans in the past few months.

3.  When she lived in the south, dated another African American that she fell in love with.  But, she ended the relationship due to his race.

4.  She believes that African Americans receive certain exceptions just because they are African American.  For example, she stated that Caucasians could never have a website like blackpeoplemeet.com because of the racial undertone.

My approach to my neighbor's racial issues was to simply ignore it and change the subject.  Besides, when you entertain a racial conversation between people of different races, it can potentially get ugly.  Well, the subject-changing worked and we all enjoyed the evening.

But, a couple days afterward, I get a call from my friend, expressing her discomfort with my neighbor's racial comments and views.  She disagreed with the fact that my neighbor chose to befriend me (being that I'm African American) knowing that she previously dated a prejudice man.  In her eyes, it's almost like she's being fake or offering a conditional friendship (I'll hang about Tara as long as he's not around).  She was upset that her family may not accept the new friendship with my neighbor because of the color of my skin.  She couldn't fathom why my neighbor would bring up the subject of race in front of two African American women.  She questioned her logic in dating African American men being that she had so many racial beliefs and issues.

Once again, I tried to downplay the situation--change the subject--ignore it.  But, she wasn't letting that happen.  She couldn't understand how I could be so nonchalant about race.  She expressed that she'd lived in the south herself and experienced prejudice firsthand.  I, on the other hand, have not.  I don't have a pessimistic view on other races.  I've never experienced prejudice from other races.  I have, however, experienced prejudice within my own race.  I can see it like it happened yesterday.  I attended elementary school in East St. Louis, IL and was probably the palest African American in the school.  They tormented me because of it.  Even through high school, I remember being ridiculed because of my skin tone--being the object of the "light-skinned girl" assumptions.  She thinks she's all that.  She's a hoe.  She acts like she's better than me.  It's ridiculous!  Now, I'm not saying that I grew to dislike my own race.  But, I will say that I pay close attention to how we act.  I don't surround myself with ignorant people in general.  That can be a African American person, a Caucasion, anyone.  It doesn't matter.

Now, I'm not sure what to do about my neighbor or what I need to do about my offended friend.  But, I will say that I'm pretty stern on my beliefs.  I choose to keep the peace and talk about something else because WHO GIVES A CRAP what color your skin is or what your culture is or who you hang out with or who you sleep with!!!!  And it might be because I've never experienced prejudice outside my race.  Maybe if I had the experience of living during the Civil Rights movement, my views might differ.  But, we are in a different day and age.