Code Blue

These dreams were going to be the death of me!  It’s like my life is in a never-ending dejavou series and I was an avid viewer!  The previous night, I’d prayed before my slumber, lit some incense and went into slumber hoping that my thoughts and anger would subside.  However, I still dreamed.  I dreamed about looking into the hospital window at my newborn boy.  I dreamed about placing my hand on the glass as I subliminally touched him.  Though his brief moments on earth didn’t promise complete understanding, I mentally hoped that our connection was strong enough for him to know my thoughts.  I wanted him to know that I was going to raise him the best of my ability.  I wanted him to know that he was the reason that my life had encountered so much turmoil…it was to prepare myself to teach him what not to do.  I wanted him to know that I would be there for him.  I’d acquired the college paper to do so and I’d made a great life for myself for a reason.  I’d never have to struggle because the money was a commodity in my life.  I’d never have to work two jobs.  I’d never leave him.  He wouldn’t have to get horribly acquainted with random family members or mere loneliness…all because I’d pawned him off on a babysitter.  He’d never have to find pleasure in personal satisfaction or have anything or anyone shield what he truly deserves and that is complete and utter happiness.  I would teach him love.  I would not make him completely oblivious to the world by making him think that near perfection was the norm.  He’d know that the world was full of people with ill intentions and people that were unhappy and willing to press that unhappiness onto him.  I’d accept him despite his flaws or his hobbies or his character or his sexual preference…because he was mine.  He was an angel and I was his wing to make him fly.  He was the plant and I was his roots to help him grow.  He was a mere sentence and I possessed the words and wisdom to help finish his entire positive story.  He was my heart and I was his vessels that kept him clear and open to receive and give ample love.  He was me. I was him.  I opened the door of the maternity ward nursery and walked up to my son.  The nurse ensured that I’d washed my hands first.  Then, she walked over to my seed and gently gripped his 6lb body into her hands as he lay limp in her palm, cuffing his soft head in her left hand.  I smiled and she handed him to me.  As I palmed him in my hands, his right eye flickered up and down and I was able to see one bright brown eye staring back at me.  That was my confirmation.  That was the sealing of the deal that the connection was real.  He’d let me know that he heard my thoughts and would take me up on the offer.  Then, his eyes closed again.  I reached my head down briefly and kissed his cheek.  I placed him back in his infant bed, thanked the nurse and walked out of the nursery.  As I walked down the hall, I heard a code ‘blue’.  I don’t really know exactly what that meant but what I did know was that it was, in fact, trouble in the maternity ward.  A few nurses and a few doctors ran down the hall toward the nursery almost knocking me down in passing.  Startled, I turned around and ran in the direction they were going.  As I stood outside the window of that nursery, I saw them trying to revive my seed.  He was unresponsive.  He just lay there limp and lifeless.  I continued to hear constant beeping sounds and all of the doctors and nurses stopped.  One of the doctors grabbed a chart and a pen from the desk close-by and the other doctor looked at the clock as he recited the time of expiration.  I screamed and dropped to my knees.  They placed a blanket over him and one of the doctors walked out of the room.  With a pale face and blank expression, he told me, “I’m sorry…”  I tried to wake up from this  nightmare but my body was consumed in it.  It wouldn’t allow me to wake up.  The room went blank and I was left to weep in complete darkness.