Jordan texted to invite me to dinner. She wanted to patch up what she’d ruined. But as I closed my eyes, I imagined a rocket blasting off—smoke gushing from its tail. When the rocket disappeared, I watched the formation of the smoke. It spelled you’re a woman lover. I pressed the pillow over my head, attempting to squash the thoughts out of my mind. You’re a woman lover.
My grandmother asked me that. Instead of a hey-baby-how-are-you, I got a hey-baby-you-a-woman-lover? Those words clamped down on my secrecy like forceps, piercing it wide open. I despise rainbows because they follow rain. I didn’t vote to legalize same-sex marriages because I didn’t care. I just liked a girl.
I chalked it up as a phase. But, if a phase is revealed to the world it becomes a reality. Jordan shaped that reality. During small talk, my grandmother asked her. Jordan just blurted it out. Painlessly. Matter-of-factly. After the ritualistic question my grandmother always asked me—baby, you got a boyfriend yet? She asked her. So, Jordan told. Just used up all of her loyalty like the dried up wax of a burnt candle—and told her.
Jordan perplexes me. Drives me into a dark room, lit by flashlights. We shadow-puppetted. We wound our hands up in acrobatic shapes, giggling at the shadow moths we created. Then, we interlaced our fingers to create an insanely, gigantic butterfly. We flicked on the lights and flicked off the flashlights. We practiced spiders and lizards and rabbit puppets. We played house. She the husband and I the wife. We kissed like little bunnies. Messy. Experimental. We were kids then.
Nobody knew about my secret but Jordan. She cooked turkey necks and rice on the day I told her. She slid a saucer across the table, inviting me to have some—when I told her. She offered me a glass of cognac on the rocks when she studied the creases on my forehead. I have a girlfriend, I said. She’s cool—you should meet her. No confusion. No questions. No repulsion. As long as you’re happy—she told me.
I slipped on my black spaghetti-strapped dress and texted her yes.
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