Random Thoughts #19- Live Now!

People, in general, are creatures of habit.  We become accustomed to a routine.  We have responsibilities.  And as we follow through with our daily routines and satisfy those responsibilities, everything else goes on the backburner.  We don’t stop to smell the roses—to become overwhelmed with God’s beautiful creations.  Another thing we don’t do is focus on self—what makes us smile—what makes us happy—what improves us. 

I did a bit of research about how much time people waste in their life that I’d like to share with you. Taking into account your entire life:

ü  5 years are spent online

ü  26 years are spent sleeping

ü  366 days are spent being sick

ü  11 years are spent watching TV

ü  5 months are spent complaining

ü  99,117 hours are spent at work

ü  6 months are spent waiting in line

ü  20 weeks are spent being on hold

ü  46,800 hours are spent doing chores

ü  Only 115 days are spent laughing

ü  Only 658 hours are spent cuddling

We spend a massive amount of time dedicated to routine tasks?!  Now, compare the underlined time—the time you spend doing things that impact your heart and soul.  Just IMAGINE if a poll was taken on vacationing or counting stars or performing your favorite hobby or being social!  Life flies by—and the next thing we know we’ve aged 10 more years with a bunch of coulda, shoulda, wouldas!

So, I urge you to take that vacation you’ve wanted to take.  Take up that hobby you’ve been putting off.  Enjoy your loved ones before they no longer exist.  Smile often.  Laugh loudly.  Dance badly.  Sing off-key along to songs.  Count stars.  Sit outside and enjoy the fresh air.  Enjoy. Your. Life.

Random Thoughts #18- Be Open To Grow

Have you ever known someone who has the answer to everything—never apologizes for their mistakes—never accepts accountability—never admits fault—stops growing?

It’s a fact that now matter how old you are, you can still grow.  The difference between growth in age and growth in character is that the latter is a choice.  Have you ever heard the phrase, oh that’s just how they are? I don’t accept that—because, people shouldn’t just be tolerated just because they are set in their ways.  People need to be open to constructive criticism.  They need to be aware of their strengths and weaknesses—knowledgeable about their flaws.  We all have them!  People should be open for improvement—always. 

There needs to be a universal understanding that everyone does not think or act like you do.  Therefore, you have to be open to change—open for growth.  When you become so perfected in your character that there is no room for growth, you become obsolete to the masses.  That’s right, obsolete!  Let me explain what I mean.  I remember one time—and I can’t recall who said it but—someone criticized me for not saying thank you enough.  I was offended—even defended myself, saying that I do say it when it needs to be said.  Well, once I took the time to reflect, I realized that I didn’t say it.  I simply went through my days expecting people to do things for me without expressing any appreciation.  Because of that criticism, I now make a conscious effort to thank people for EVERYTHING.  And when I do so, the other person feels appreciated.  They may, in turn, appreciate someone else.  It’s a domino effect and it’s a way you can benefit others—and, of course, benefit yourself.

Random Thoughts #17- Avoidable Stress

Who has stressed you out?  Who has disrespected you, neglected you, hurt you, misunderstood you, lost faith in you, violated you or betrayed you?  How many times did you wonder what a person was THINKING when they committed this negative deed?  But really…do you know where the audacity came from? A person’s interaction with others involves SO much more than just 1-on-1.  It involves their life, their habits…their day.  A big percentage of a person’s emotional energy is either trapped in the past or stuck worrying about the future. In other words, it is just not available to you. So, on any given day you might start the day with as little as 45-50% of potentially available energy. Then the day most probably continues with events/people/places zapping energy from you, rather than adding to or nourishing you.  Just imagine how much positive energy a person might be lacking by the time that they attend to matters involving you!  For this very reason, whenever people generate personal turmoil within you, it’s important to take them with a grain of salt.  If you have any grudges that you currently have, it’s crucial for you to LET IT GO!  Yes, they may have been foul!  Yes, they may have hurt you!  Yes, you both may still have contradicting thoughts on who was right or who was wrong! However, we need to learn to release that negative energy and BREAK THE DOMINO EFFECT!

Random Thoughts #16- All About You

We have our insecurities that either everyone knows about—or no one knows about at all.

We can’t stand traffic jams when we’re running late.  And even rush when we have nowhere to go.

We make mistakes whether we realize it or not—and sometimes, we choose not to apologize for it.  And sometimes, we apologize and others don’t forgive us.  And sometimes, we harbor regret that consumes us and we never let go of that mistake. 

We act irrationally to a situation without thinking first—or we think first, and rationalize your own actions no matter how absurd they are. 

Every aspect of your personality makes you the quirky person you are—no matter how negative or positive.  And as long as you continue to strive to be better, all is well.

Now tell THAT to the next person that encounters you. 

Random Thoughts #15- Releasing Baggage

I am not there yet but I can tell you this—I won’t get there if I don’t constantly evaluate who surrounds me.  Have you ever heard the phrase, birds of a feather flock together?  Sometimes, it’s an unfair phrase. Opportunities lost because of your surroundings.  Connections missed.  And the horrible part about it is that you are an outstanding person.  It’s the people surrounding you that drag you down.  But, what can you do if you don’t continue to evaluate your life and those around you. Take a few minutes to complete this exercise.  Think about the 5 closest people in your life outside of your family and jot them down on a piece of paper, leaving spaces between each name.  Now, under each name, write 5 positive things they’ve brought to your life in the last 1 year.  These answers should flow freely.  When you’ve completed this exercise, review it.   Think about what’s most important in your life.  Do your answers fall in line with what’s important to you?  If not, you have some decisions to make to be on your way.

Random Thoughts #14: Sailing Ships and Likelihood

We develop relationships, friendships and partnerships every day.  And as those ‘ships’ evolve, so do your expectations of them.

Expectations are understandable.  You create this lasting bond with someone.  You trust them—become comfortable with them.  You develop this give-them-the-clothes-off-your-back mentality and you ‘expect’ them to do the same.  Then, when they do something that makes you feel like it’s not being reciprocated to your liking, you get disappointed.

It’s important to understand that everyone is different.  Different thought processes—different personalities—different perspectives—different expectations.  True, it’s a remedial observation but people do forget it.  We become so inundated with self, strategizing and validating our own thoughts, that we trick ourselves into believing that other people should side with us. 

I had a friendship that spanned 15 years.  I began to feel like I was carrying the friendship; my friend just went along for the ride.  For years, she satisfied her BFF responsibilities, including me in her family time, inviting me to outings, calling me to chat it up about life and drama.  Then, it changed.  I became the only one initiating phone calls.  I’d find out about family gatherings after they already occurred.  She became so non-existent in my life that I started to question the BFF label.  I started to question her.  Did I do something wrong?  Why haven’t we hung out?  Her responses would give me lukewarm reassurance.  Then, the ultimate happened.  I accomplished a major milestone in my life—and she missed it.  That was the deal breaker—the unmet expectation.  My explanation of her behavior was that she’d become complacent in the friendship.  I felt that ‘ships’ were a 2-way street.  No matter how long it lasts, you always have to work at it.  When you stop, the ‘ship’ has sailed.

I had my hindsight view after I end my friendship with her.  She’d encountered a bunch of life-changing situations during the complacency stage of our friendship.  Loss.  Struggle.  Love.  Pain.  Financial strife.  And in all of her situations, I kept trucking along in our friendship as if nothing happened.  And what I failed to realize was that life-changing situations not only preoccupy you—they change you.  And it gets deeper than that!  I’d encountered my own life-changing situations.  Depression.  Loss.  Low self-esteem.  And those situations changed me!  So, here you have 2 people dealing with each other the same way.  One person setting expectations on the other—without letting the other person know—and one feeling like the other should understand her disdain.

Setting expectations on someone is a losing battle.  Nine times out of 10, expectations aren’t communicated, resulting in a communication breakdown.  Two people end up at odds because one didn’t meet a requirement—because reciprocity isn’t exercised. 

I read a book once by Dr. Robert Cialdini called The 6 Principles of Influence.  Reciprocity is one of the 6 principles—equivalent to the other 5 principles but used so excessively that its’ been placed at the top of the list.  But, what about the other principles of influence?  Let’s take ‘liking’, for example.  Liking is the act of doing something for someone without expectation or reward.  Just doing things out of the goodness of your heart.  No expectations.  No reciprocation.  Just doing someone because you like someone. 

We got out of that favor so often because we desire validation—a feeling that we are not being used. And unfortunately, we may cross paths with a person that genuinely DOES NOT value us—someone that uses us.  And it makes us reluctant—paranoid.  Then, we start to set expectations on EVERYONE and believe that, if they don’t meet our expectation, they aren’t worth our time.  We forget about LIKING.  Just liking someone because you do.  Just doing because you want to.  Just treating someone the way you want to be treated.  Just paying it forward.  

Random Thoughts #13: What Do You Need?

Upon acquiring my last degree, one thing seems to be stamped in my memory, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. 

Let me explain if you've never heard of it.  The idea is that everyone has one need that trumps all others.  It's the one thing that is most important to you right now.  And these needs can change.  As you grow, as your personality changes and life happens, your ultimate need shifts.  According to Maslow, your needs are broken up into self-actualization (which includes morality, spontaneity, facts), esteem (which includes confidence, accomplishment,  respect, acchievement), love/belonging (which includes family, friends, relationship, sex),  safety (which includes security of body, employment, resources, family, health, property) and, last but not least, physiological (which includes breathing, food, water, sleep, peace, the simple things).

The reason I'm touching on this topic is because I find it to be so true in my own life.  I've gotten a book deal, published my first book, gotten a promotion, acquired my 3rd degree, purchased a new car, moved into a pretty decent townhome...but I find that none of those things contribute to my happiness. From the outside looking in, someone might think that I'm doing well in my life right now--I've achieved some level of success.  But, in reality, those accomplishments are empty if your ultimate need is not met.  It's almost like when you see celebrities like Brittney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.  They have the success, popularity...yet they are unhappy.  I think, it's because they're ultimate need hasn't been met.

My ultimate need is love/belonging.  That's something I don't have in a few areas.  On one side, my family is so segregated that I don't have the comfort of feeling an overwhelming amount of love from them.  It comes in pieces--and only during certain times--and only if they decide to call/or stop by or I decide to do the same.  The fact is--we are not close-knit and I've always been a family-oriented person.  On the other side, I don't receive love in the form of a relationship.  I haven't had a relationship in almost 7 years (with the exception of one that last for 2 months).  My dating experiences have been discouraging and, to be honest, the thought of the men I've encountered lately makes me want to throw up.  Lastly, there's the belonging part. I've always been surrounded by friends.  As I've grown and changed, I've removed the majority of them out of my life.  It was an intentional thing.  But, not having someone to talk to or lean on becomes really old, really quick.  This love/belonging thing is literally eating me alive.  It's like if I don't have it, I can't breathe right.  Like it's cutting of my circulation--not giving me something to look forward to. 

When you have an ultimate need that isn't being met, it negates everything else positive going on in your life.  And the problem is, any inkling of potentially having that need being met, you latch onto and hold on for dear life.  Since mine is love/belonging, I cling to people, trust too easily, make bad decisions in regards to dating.  When something in regards to love/belonging fails, I'm crushed.  I take it harder than the average person.  It's like experiencing death. 

My question is, though, how do you cope with the lack thereof of an ultimate need until it arrives?  I would imagine that most people can't cope, they just exist--or concede to not existing anymore. 

And, what's your ultimate need?  How far would you go for that need?  What is most important to you that negates anything else?  Is it esteem--do you focus all your time and efforts on work or school--is work/school the main thing that makes you feel good about yourself?  Is it morality--do you harp on honesty--are you a stickler for facts--would you end a relationship because you dislike someone's moral value?  Or is it safety--is your only worry that you keep a roof above your head and a steady paycheck coming in--are you a fitness fanatic?  Or is it the basics--do you just want to be peaceful and eat, sleep and live? 

Now that you have considered what your ultimate need is, consider this.  What if you haven't achieved it?  How do you cope?