Random Thoughts #12: The Infamous 90-day Rule

Anyone that's read Steve Harvey's book or watched his movie are quite familiar with the 90-day rule.  The idea is that you meet someone and place them on a probationary period (like a job would) to allow you to really get to know the person before having sex. 

It sounds nice.  Logical.  But, how many people actually adhere to this rule?  So, I'm going to come from a different perspective--from the perspective of someone that does not agree.  Now, I'm not saying I'll go and sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry out there at the drop of a hat.  I just don't place rules on anything.  Sex is the most intimate form of connection you can have with someone and everyone, no matter who you are or how you were raised, has needs.  When you're in the moment, making that decision whether to prematurely take it all the way or not, it's hard to back away--especially if the connection and attraction almost envelopes you.  So, those of us with little willpower, live in the moment and hope for no raised eyebrows in the morning. 

I'm all about connections.  I believe that magnetic energy can be so extreme that it begins to puppetmaster you.  But, I'm not oblivious to the drawbacks of succumbing to intimate desires.  We, as women, have to question.  Was that all he wanted?  What does he think about me now?  Is this only going to be about sex in the future?  And I say, it's really all about the person you have sex with.  The man may have preconceived notions about women that have sex too quickly.  They might question who else got it that easily. They might not see a challenge.  Or...they might see it as two grown-ups acting on their feelings and indulging themselves in each other.  No foul, no harm done, no raised eyebrows in the morning.

But, here's another thing I want to touch on.  Say, you do wait the 90 days.  The man abides by your wishes and sticks in there the entire 90 days.  As you progress in this courtship, your feelings for him build.  You start to envision a future between the two of you.  He want to be with him and only him.  But, let me ask you this question. Just because you instituted a 90-day rule, does that mean that he's done so as well? Do you really think for the sake of you, he's going to take this 3-month vow of celibacy?!  As I stated earlier, everyone has needs--and while you are clinching your pillow between your thighs or running down batteries, he could potentially be getting his needs satisfied elsewhere.  I'm not saying you need to give in because he might seek it elsewhere.  What I'm saying is that you have to be open to the possibility. 

And, furthermore, who's to say that the 90 days works?!  How do you know that that man isn't just a patient man and only playing the role just to get the draws and after the 90 days, he gets it and quits it?!  You don't know, do you?  I had a guy that I dated in 2000 for a few months.  At that time, I got the idea that he just wanted to have sex so I went out of my way NOT to have sex with him.  Eventually, the courtship dissipated.  Then, 1 year ago, I ran across him online. We chatted a bit.  Reminisced.  Made plans for him to come over and watch a movie.  But, this time, I wasn't so stern on keeping the goodies to myself.  Besides, it'd been 12 years.  Surely, 12 years was long enough to get respect.  Well, guess what.  I gave in and never heard from him again.  I'm telling you, this man waited 12 years to get ONLY sex.  The wait didn't change his motive.  It just depends on the person.  So, in my mind, it's not about the 90-day rule, it's about accurately reading the person you considering laying down with.

Random Thoughts #11: Follow Your Gut

I want to talk about the inkling you get when something isn't right--when you can't quite put your finger on it but deep in your gut, you know.  Intuition.  It's a funny thing.  If you ignore it, it literally stalks you.  It makes you pay attention.  I've heard that intuition isn't really intuition at all; it's God's way of warning you.  No matter what it is, I have to acknowledge it.  Because, intuition can help you prevent SO many situations.  It'll save you from so much pain and heartache and stress.

I only paid attention to it part of the time--when it benefits me.  And that's not the way to go.  Sometimes, we have to make decisions based off of instinct no matter how much they hurt.

It baffles me to sit back and recall all of my ignored intuitions.  Something told me that he was cheating and I didn't inspect because I had no evidence.  I later found out that he was cheating with his female best friend.  Something told me that my best friend was stealing from me and I didn't pay attention because my best friend would never do that.  I later found out that she'd stolen over $3000 in a 5-year span.  Something told me to leave that club and go home.  But, I wanted to stay a little while longer--have a couple more drinks--and ended up dodging bullets inside.

I think you get my point.

But, the question is why do we wait to experience the pain and not just cut it lose from the start?!  Why are we so hard-headed?  I've made the decision to follow it from now on.  If I don't feel safe, feel sincerity, feel secure about something, I'm cutting it lose.  I don't know about you but I've experienced enough hurt and pain and I'd go to any measure to prevent it in the future.

Random Thoughts #10- Love or Imaginary Butterflies?

I have to admit, I am in love with love.  Just the idea of it makes me blush.  I'm a sucker for mushy love movies, the idea of  'happily ever after' and 'love at first sight' and cornball talking during courtships.

Being in love with love has its benefits.  I stay optimistic!  Through it all--all the failed courtships and relationships--I keep the high hopes that Mr. Right is just around the corner, within my reach, I just haven't met him yet.  Or--maybe I have some things to work on with me and that's why I haven't met him yet.

But, being in love with love has its downfalls as well.  In society today, we have to face the reality that love isn't so close in your reach as you might think.  You have to kiss a few trolls to find your prince or princess.  In saying that, you have to be very cautious that you aren't placing unwarranted optimism on losers.  Some people present that illusion--that idea that they are 'the one' and just because you want it so badly, you run with that.  You ignore the red flags for the sake of potential love.  You make exceptions for the potential of love.  A wonderful quote I read recently from Iyanla Vanzant is, "A mistake we make in relationships very often is we draw a line, and then when somebody crosses it, rather than enact a consequence, we back up and draw another line."  Profound, isn't it?!  I can attest to this quote.  There have been too many times during courtships where I've ignored a red flag--where they've crossed a boundary-- and, because of the potential of love, I don't address it.  

Then, there's that biological clock issue.  As the days pass, I'm constantly counting down.  I don't have children yet.  I don't have potential love yet.  I can recall writing in my high school Senior Book, mapping out my life.  It said that I'd be married by the time I was 25 and have two children by the time I was 30.  Now, at 34, I reflect back to that and laugh.  Sometimes, life just doesn't pan out the way you plan it.  And, I think, when we get into our 30's we stop being so concerned about the fun and start focusing on the future.  And the biological clock starts ticking because--who wants to be a lonely old lady with a slew of cats or a lonely old man with pockets full of change, making inappropriate comments to perky young women?  I know I don't want that!  I want the fairytale. And, despite popular opinion, I still believe that it exists.  

But, the main point is, considering all of the downfalls of being a love-starved person, you run the risk of being considered needy or thirsty or desperate and THAT is unattractive, sending you right back to square one.  It's okay to want love, to be in love with the idea of love, but it's not okay to want it so bad that the naturalness of courtship disappears. 

Love is a tricky thing.  It's easy to mistake whether it's infatuation (imaginary butterflies) or the real thing, especially when you've never experienced love or haven't experienced it in a while.  But, there are ways to differentiate between the two.  Love is the feeling that you get when all the guards are down, you're fully relaxed, you no longer sugarcoat stories or present a representative, you've had a disagreement, you've experienced something that you don't like about a person and made the decision to keep them around anyway.  Love is a connection, not a forced one, not a sexual one, it's an imaginary energy that draws you to a person that seems to be magnetic in the presence of one another.  It's undeniable and both parties can feel it.  It's a place where you can converse without words.  It's the intoxicating feeling that you get after a kiss or a simple touch when you haven't had a drop of liquor to drink.  It's those moments when you say the same thing at the same time or you pick up your cell phone to text them and it buzzes with a text from them.  

Imaginary butterflies is similar.  It has the intoxicating feeling too, the flightiness, the non-stopped thinking about a person.  These feelings are usually at their strongest when you are NOT in the presence of that person.  Usually infatuated people battle with the thought of whether to tell the person how they feel because they fear rejection.  Love, on the other hand, is free-flowing--there's no apprehension about sharing your feelings.  Usually infatuated people rationalize their feelings.  They have to tell everyone--mostly to convince themselves that it's real.  And, most of the time, in rationalizing the infatuation, they have either knowingly or unknowingly ignored a red flag.  A good way to test whether you are a victim of the imaginary butterflies is to speak every detail of your courtship aloud excluding nothing--even the missed calls, the cancelled dates, the odd comments, the resistance.  If you find any holes, anything questionable or fishy or out of the norm, then you, my friend, are infatuated.  

Now, I don't claim to be the love guru.  However, I speak from experience.  I'm a lover of love. I've experienced those imaginary butterflies on too many occasions.  I haven't experienced love in almost 6 years; I almost forgot what it felt like until now.  I just realized the difference and had to share my thoughts with the world.  

Random Thoughts #9- Game On!

Ok, so I can admit that even though I've dated for what seems like forever, I still seem to be clueless about it (in some aspects).  Here's my thought process.  If you like somebody, tell them.  If you want them to be sure that you like them, show them.  There are no rules on when and when not to tell him/her.  It's not the old times and we (as women) don't have to wait, sitting pretty, waiting for the man to chase us.  Just say what you want!  Go after it!  Tell him how you feel!  I mean, people, we are in a day and age of women getting down on one knee and proposing to their man.  We no longer wait until the man comes to the realization about it.  We should be forthright about it.  There is no guidebook on how the courtship should go with a man. Just follow your heart and where ever it leads you, follow it.  It's as simple as that.

That's what I thought.  But, boy was I wrong. 

The courtship process has got to entail a game.  The proverbial cat and mouse race.  The fact is that if a man does not chase a woman, if there is no challenge, it makes things less interesting.  Everyone does not act upon spontaneity, some people use discretion.  Now, I'm not very religious but, from what I've heard, the bible explicitly states that the man should chase.  So, who am I to argue with that fact!  The man should be the predator and the women should be the obliging prey.

But, here's where the game comes in.

Once the man pursues the woman, the woman can not simply give in.  She has to continue to present a challenge--essentially, throw the man off.  It's as easy as this..let's say you have a man playing a game of Grand Theft Auto.  He plays for hours on end with his eyes glued to the TV, skipping dinner, ignoring his significant other--just playing.  Why would he do that?  Because he's being challenged--mentally stimulated.  But, what if he could beat the Grand Theft Auto game in one hour?  Do you really think he would play it again?  Besides, he's already conquered it.  There's no challenge.  There's nothing to stimulate him anymore. 

We have to keep the cat and mouse race going.  If he texts you, wait for a bit to respond or don't respond until after the second text.  If he calls, don't be available all the time to answer.  Make him miss you.  Make him want you.  If you've ever seen the cartoon, Tom & Jerry, you've probably seen Tom trying his best to catch Jerry but Jerry always outwits him.  Yet, EVERY episode, he trys again.  We have to mimic that cartoon in courtships--and it looks like women don't have a choice in the matter.

Random Thoughts #8 - Let's Talk Coffee and Cream...

Just the other night, I had a conversation with a friend about race.  Obviously, we shared a difference in opinion because the conversation became pretty heated.  So, I wanted to share my opinion and solicit a little feedback.  I realize that race is one of those subjects that automatically ruffles people's feathers. (especially me)  But, considering the situation, I had discuss it.

Here's the situation.  I have a Caucasian neighbor that has recently befriended me.  On a few times that my friend visited my home, my neighbor stopped by.  But, let me give you the back story on the neighbor.  She's was raised in the south and admits that her family has many prejudice traits.  The times that she's visited, she's exposed a few facts.

1.  Her last boyfriend was Caucasian and despises African American.  She ever agreed with his beliefs but continued the relationship anyway.

2.  She's dated 2 African Americans in the past few months.

3.  When she lived in the south, dated another African American that she fell in love with.  But, she ended the relationship due to his race.

4.  She believes that African Americans receive certain exceptions just because they are African American.  For example, she stated that Caucasians could never have a website like blackpeoplemeet.com because of the racial undertone.

My approach to my neighbor's racial issues was to simply ignore it and change the subject.  Besides, when you entertain a racial conversation between people of different races, it can potentially get ugly.  Well, the subject-changing worked and we all enjoyed the evening.

But, a couple days afterward, I get a call from my friend, expressing her discomfort with my neighbor's racial comments and views.  She disagreed with the fact that my neighbor chose to befriend me (being that I'm African American) knowing that she previously dated a prejudice man.  In her eyes, it's almost like she's being fake or offering a conditional friendship (I'll hang about Tara as long as he's not around).  She was upset that her family may not accept the new friendship with my neighbor because of the color of my skin.  She couldn't fathom why my neighbor would bring up the subject of race in front of two African American women.  She questioned her logic in dating African American men being that she had so many racial beliefs and issues.

Once again, I tried to downplay the situation--change the subject--ignore it.  But, she wasn't letting that happen.  She couldn't understand how I could be so nonchalant about race.  She expressed that she'd lived in the south herself and experienced prejudice firsthand.  I, on the other hand, have not.  I don't have a pessimistic view on other races.  I've never experienced prejudice from other races.  I have, however, experienced prejudice within my own race.  I can see it like it happened yesterday.  I attended elementary school in East St. Louis, IL and was probably the palest African American in the school.  They tormented me because of it.  Even through high school, I remember being ridiculed because of my skin tone--being the object of the "light-skinned girl" assumptions.  She thinks she's all that.  She's a hoe.  She acts like she's better than me.  It's ridiculous!  Now, I'm not saying that I grew to dislike my own race.  But, I will say that I pay close attention to how we act.  I don't surround myself with ignorant people in general.  That can be a African American person, a Caucasion, anyone.  It doesn't matter.

Now, I'm not sure what to do about my neighbor or what I need to do about my offended friend.  But, I will say that I'm pretty stern on my beliefs.  I choose to keep the peace and talk about something else because WHO GIVES A CRAP what color your skin is or what your culture is or who you hang out with or who you sleep with!!!!  And it might be because I've never experienced prejudice outside my race.  Maybe if I had the experience of living during the Civil Rights movement, my views might differ.  But, we are in a different day and age.

Random Thoughts #7- Never Forget

Sometimes, as I go through my day, I see things that make me envious.  Nostalgic, I guess.  I can recall, not to long ago, heading out to the club and hitting the dance floor, doing my pat-a-cake or Nina Pop (Monastery) dance.  Now, I'm hesitant to dance because I don't know what's current.  I turn on the rap/r&b radio station and don't know half the songs.  I watch video awards shows and only know half the artists.  I've given up on keeping up with fashion trends because, let's be honest, I don't like most of the new trends.  The slang phrases have changed.  People aren't in touch with their feelings anymore, they're 'in' their feelings.  I'm telling you, it makes me nostalgic!

So, I guess the realization is really that I'm getting old. It's funny how you find yourself missing the past. It's like back in the day was easier, funner, just all-around better.  I posted a status on Facebook the other day that said, "I wish it was 1998 and I was watching Midnight Love on tv."  I remember when the lyrics soothed and related to you.  I remember when television shows had lessons and the family gathered together to watch it--together.  I remember togetherness. 

Nowadays, it seems that people are always busy just to be busy. They rush through life without stopping to smell the roses--stopping to look up at the amazing sight of clouds--stopping to read a book--stopping to relax--stopping to pick up a hobby--stopping to receive and give true love.  That's what I miss.  I miss the singing of cicadas in my ears after an entire day of playing outside.  I miss riding a bike.  I miss skating.  I remember when I could skate forward and backwards, swaying in perfect unison with the beat of the music.  I was 12 then.  But, just 2 years ago, I put on those same skates (yes, I still wear the same size!) and attempted to skate forward and backwards and couldn't. In fact, I couldn't even stand up at all.  I was in an arm-waving frenzy as I gripped onto the nearby lockers and my feet slid in two different directions.  I used to be able to ride a bike with no hands.  I've made no attempts as an adult to ride a bike so I'd make the assumption that I don't even know how to ride anymore.  The point I'm trying to make is this--never become to busy or clouded to remember the things you once loved--the things that once mattered--the things you once paid attention to.

Fully embrace your future but never forget the past (the good stuff about it that made you all warm and fuzzy inside).  I may not know the recent dance moves but I can dance a mean two-step!  I own a pair of jelly bean shows and I smile whenever I wear them.  I get excited when an infomercial flashes across the television, advertising a collection of old r&b music.  I just had a No Limit card party for my birthday and everybody came with a handful of No Limit music and we rapped all the lyrics aloud to each other.  I still own a VHS and, yes, I still have VHS movies that I watch sometimes.  I paint.  I doodle.  I stand outside at night, staring at the sky and counting the stars (that is, until the mosquitos start biting).  Sometimes, in the middle of a serious conversation, I make a goofy face.  You don't have to be so serious all the time. You need to live instead of existing.  You must never forget the beautiful things.