Random Thoughts #12: The Infamous 90-day Rule

Anyone that's read Steve Harvey's book or watched his movie are quite familiar with the 90-day rule.  The idea is that you meet someone and place them on a probationary period (like a job would) to allow you to really get to know the person before having sex. 

It sounds nice.  Logical.  But, how many people actually adhere to this rule?  So, I'm going to come from a different perspective--from the perspective of someone that does not agree.  Now, I'm not saying I'll go and sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry out there at the drop of a hat.  I just don't place rules on anything.  Sex is the most intimate form of connection you can have with someone and everyone, no matter who you are or how you were raised, has needs.  When you're in the moment, making that decision whether to prematurely take it all the way or not, it's hard to back away--especially if the connection and attraction almost envelopes you.  So, those of us with little willpower, live in the moment and hope for no raised eyebrows in the morning. 

I'm all about connections.  I believe that magnetic energy can be so extreme that it begins to puppetmaster you.  But, I'm not oblivious to the drawbacks of succumbing to intimate desires.  We, as women, have to question.  Was that all he wanted?  What does he think about me now?  Is this only going to be about sex in the future?  And I say, it's really all about the person you have sex with.  The man may have preconceived notions about women that have sex too quickly.  They might question who else got it that easily. They might not see a challenge.  Or...they might see it as two grown-ups acting on their feelings and indulging themselves in each other.  No foul, no harm done, no raised eyebrows in the morning.

But, here's another thing I want to touch on.  Say, you do wait the 90 days.  The man abides by your wishes and sticks in there the entire 90 days.  As you progress in this courtship, your feelings for him build.  You start to envision a future between the two of you.  He want to be with him and only him.  But, let me ask you this question. Just because you instituted a 90-day rule, does that mean that he's done so as well? Do you really think for the sake of you, he's going to take this 3-month vow of celibacy?!  As I stated earlier, everyone has needs--and while you are clinching your pillow between your thighs or running down batteries, he could potentially be getting his needs satisfied elsewhere.  I'm not saying you need to give in because he might seek it elsewhere.  What I'm saying is that you have to be open to the possibility. 

And, furthermore, who's to say that the 90 days works?!  How do you know that that man isn't just a patient man and only playing the role just to get the draws and after the 90 days, he gets it and quits it?!  You don't know, do you?  I had a guy that I dated in 2000 for a few months.  At that time, I got the idea that he just wanted to have sex so I went out of my way NOT to have sex with him.  Eventually, the courtship dissipated.  Then, 1 year ago, I ran across him online. We chatted a bit.  Reminisced.  Made plans for him to come over and watch a movie.  But, this time, I wasn't so stern on keeping the goodies to myself.  Besides, it'd been 12 years.  Surely, 12 years was long enough to get respect.  Well, guess what.  I gave in and never heard from him again.  I'm telling you, this man waited 12 years to get ONLY sex.  The wait didn't change his motive.  It just depends on the person.  So, in my mind, it's not about the 90-day rule, it's about accurately reading the person you considering laying down with.

Random Thoughts #11: Follow Your Gut

I want to talk about the inkling you get when something isn't right--when you can't quite put your finger on it but deep in your gut, you know.  Intuition.  It's a funny thing.  If you ignore it, it literally stalks you.  It makes you pay attention.  I've heard that intuition isn't really intuition at all; it's God's way of warning you.  No matter what it is, I have to acknowledge it.  Because, intuition can help you prevent SO many situations.  It'll save you from so much pain and heartache and stress.

I only paid attention to it part of the time--when it benefits me.  And that's not the way to go.  Sometimes, we have to make decisions based off of instinct no matter how much they hurt.

It baffles me to sit back and recall all of my ignored intuitions.  Something told me that he was cheating and I didn't inspect because I had no evidence.  I later found out that he was cheating with his female best friend.  Something told me that my best friend was stealing from me and I didn't pay attention because my best friend would never do that.  I later found out that she'd stolen over $3000 in a 5-year span.  Something told me to leave that club and go home.  But, I wanted to stay a little while longer--have a couple more drinks--and ended up dodging bullets inside.

I think you get my point.

But, the question is why do we wait to experience the pain and not just cut it lose from the start?!  Why are we so hard-headed?  I've made the decision to follow it from now on.  If I don't feel safe, feel sincerity, feel secure about something, I'm cutting it lose.  I don't know about you but I've experienced enough hurt and pain and I'd go to any measure to prevent it in the future.