Just the other night, I had a conversation with a friend about race. Obviously, we shared a difference in opinion because the conversation became pretty heated. So, I wanted to share my opinion and solicit a little feedback. I realize that race is one of those subjects that automatically ruffles people's feathers. (especially me) But, considering the situation, I had discuss it.
Here's the situation. I have a Caucasian neighbor that has recently befriended me. On a few times that my friend visited my home, my neighbor stopped by. But, let me give you the back story on the neighbor. She's was raised in the south and admits that her family has many prejudice traits. The times that she's visited, she's exposed a few facts.
1. Her last boyfriend was Caucasian and despises African American. She ever agreed with his beliefs but continued the relationship anyway.
2. She's dated 2 African Americans in the past few months.
3. When she lived in the south, dated another African American that she fell in love with. But, she ended the relationship due to his race.
4. She believes that African Americans receive certain exceptions just because they are African American. For example, she stated that Caucasians could never have a website like blackpeoplemeet.com because of the racial undertone.
My approach to my neighbor's racial issues was to simply ignore it and change the subject. Besides, when you entertain a racial conversation between people of different races, it can potentially get ugly. Well, the subject-changing worked and we all enjoyed the evening.
But, a couple days afterward, I get a call from my friend, expressing her discomfort with my neighbor's racial comments and views. She disagreed with the fact that my neighbor chose to befriend me (being that I'm African American) knowing that she previously dated a prejudice man. In her eyes, it's almost like she's being fake or offering a conditional friendship (I'll hang about Tara as long as he's not around). She was upset that her family may not accept the new friendship with my neighbor because of the color of my skin. She couldn't fathom why my neighbor would bring up the subject of race in front of two African American women. She questioned her logic in dating African American men being that she had so many racial beliefs and issues.
Once again, I tried to downplay the situation--change the subject--ignore it. But, she wasn't letting that happen. She couldn't understand how I could be so nonchalant about race. She expressed that she'd lived in the south herself and experienced prejudice firsthand. I, on the other hand, have not. I don't have a pessimistic view on other races. I've never experienced prejudice from other races. I have, however, experienced prejudice within my own race. I can see it like it happened yesterday. I attended elementary school in East St. Louis, IL and was probably the palest African American in the school. They tormented me because of it. Even through high school, I remember being ridiculed because of my skin tone--being the object of the "light-skinned girl" assumptions. She thinks she's all that. She's a hoe. She acts like she's better than me. It's ridiculous! Now, I'm not saying that I grew to dislike my own race. But, I will say that I pay close attention to how we act. I don't surround myself with ignorant people in general. That can be a African American person, a Caucasion, anyone. It doesn't matter.
Now, I'm not sure what to do about my neighbor or what I need to do about my offended friend. But, I will say that I'm pretty stern on my beliefs. I choose to keep the peace and talk about something else because WHO GIVES A CRAP what color your skin is or what your culture is or who you hang out with or who you sleep with!!!! And it might be because I've never experienced prejudice outside my race. Maybe if I had the experience of living during the Civil Rights movement, my views might differ. But, we are in a different day and age.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Random Thoughts #7- Never Forget
Sometimes, as I go through my day, I see things that make me envious. Nostalgic, I guess. I can recall, not to long ago, heading out to the club and hitting the dance floor, doing my pat-a-cake or Nina Pop (Monastery) dance. Now, I'm hesitant to dance because I don't know what's current. I turn on the rap/r&b radio station and don't know half the songs. I watch video awards shows and only know half the artists. I've given up on keeping up with fashion trends because, let's be honest, I don't like most of the new trends. The slang phrases have changed. People aren't in touch with their feelings anymore, they're 'in' their feelings. I'm telling you, it makes me nostalgic!
So, I guess the realization is really that I'm getting old. It's funny how you find yourself missing the past. It's like back in the day was easier, funner, just all-around better. I posted a status on Facebook the other day that said, "I wish it was 1998 and I was watching Midnight Love on tv." I remember when the lyrics soothed and related to you. I remember when television shows had lessons and the family gathered together to watch it--together. I remember togetherness.
Nowadays, it seems that people are always busy just to be busy. They rush through life without stopping to smell the roses--stopping to look up at the amazing sight of clouds--stopping to read a book--stopping to relax--stopping to pick up a hobby--stopping to receive and give true love. That's what I miss. I miss the singing of cicadas in my ears after an entire day of playing outside. I miss riding a bike. I miss skating. I remember when I could skate forward and backwards, swaying in perfect unison with the beat of the music. I was 12 then. But, just 2 years ago, I put on those same skates (yes, I still wear the same size!) and attempted to skate forward and backwards and couldn't. In fact, I couldn't even stand up at all. I was in an arm-waving frenzy as I gripped onto the nearby lockers and my feet slid in two different directions. I used to be able to ride a bike with no hands. I've made no attempts as an adult to ride a bike so I'd make the assumption that I don't even know how to ride anymore. The point I'm trying to make is this--never become to busy or clouded to remember the things you once loved--the things that once mattered--the things you once paid attention to.
Fully embrace your future but never forget the past (the good stuff about it that made you all warm and fuzzy inside). I may not know the recent dance moves but I can dance a mean two-step! I own a pair of jelly bean shows and I smile whenever I wear them. I get excited when an infomercial flashes across the television, advertising a collection of old r&b music. I just had a No Limit card party for my birthday and everybody came with a handful of No Limit music and we rapped all the lyrics aloud to each other. I still own a VHS and, yes, I still have VHS movies that I watch sometimes. I paint. I doodle. I stand outside at night, staring at the sky and counting the stars (that is, until the mosquitos start biting). Sometimes, in the middle of a serious conversation, I make a goofy face. You don't have to be so serious all the time. You need to live instead of existing. You must never forget the beautiful things.
So, I guess the realization is really that I'm getting old. It's funny how you find yourself missing the past. It's like back in the day was easier, funner, just all-around better. I posted a status on Facebook the other day that said, "I wish it was 1998 and I was watching Midnight Love on tv." I remember when the lyrics soothed and related to you. I remember when television shows had lessons and the family gathered together to watch it--together. I remember togetherness.
Nowadays, it seems that people are always busy just to be busy. They rush through life without stopping to smell the roses--stopping to look up at the amazing sight of clouds--stopping to read a book--stopping to relax--stopping to pick up a hobby--stopping to receive and give true love. That's what I miss. I miss the singing of cicadas in my ears after an entire day of playing outside. I miss riding a bike. I miss skating. I remember when I could skate forward and backwards, swaying in perfect unison with the beat of the music. I was 12 then. But, just 2 years ago, I put on those same skates (yes, I still wear the same size!) and attempted to skate forward and backwards and couldn't. In fact, I couldn't even stand up at all. I was in an arm-waving frenzy as I gripped onto the nearby lockers and my feet slid in two different directions. I used to be able to ride a bike with no hands. I've made no attempts as an adult to ride a bike so I'd make the assumption that I don't even know how to ride anymore. The point I'm trying to make is this--never become to busy or clouded to remember the things you once loved--the things that once mattered--the things you once paid attention to.
Fully embrace your future but never forget the past (the good stuff about it that made you all warm and fuzzy inside). I may not know the recent dance moves but I can dance a mean two-step! I own a pair of jelly bean shows and I smile whenever I wear them. I get excited when an infomercial flashes across the television, advertising a collection of old r&b music. I just had a No Limit card party for my birthday and everybody came with a handful of No Limit music and we rapped all the lyrics aloud to each other. I still own a VHS and, yes, I still have VHS movies that I watch sometimes. I paint. I doodle. I stand outside at night, staring at the sky and counting the stars (that is, until the mosquitos start biting). Sometimes, in the middle of a serious conversation, I make a goofy face. You don't have to be so serious all the time. You need to live instead of existing. You must never forget the beautiful things.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Random Thoughts #6: People Watching
Maybe there should be some sort of study done on reality TV viewers.
I often experience a sense of enlightening while I'm vegging out in front of the TV. Last night was just the same. I leave my remote control parked on VH1 on Mondays. First--Basketball Wives. Second--T.I.'s Family Hustle. Third--Chrissy & Mr. Jones. The phone goes unanswered during reality TV. The dog has to wait for commercial potty breaks. I just can't miss it! Not one ounce of a second of the drama. And Monday's are not all that I've noticed.
On random days, I will flip through the channels, stopping at ANY reality TV show! It appeases me! Comforts me! Reality television, essentially, is my source for procrastination. So, in coming to this realization, I started to wonder. Is reality TV a hindrance? The fact that I push other tasks to the backburner while watching it might be an explanation. But that's not enough. I'm going to go deeper than that. Has it hindered me in a way that I can no longer intelligently communicate with people. It's almost like how modern technology (text messaging, emails, Skype, etc) has replaced face-to-face communication. Does reality TV suck the conversation right out of you?! For example, let's say that I have a phone or face-to-face conversation with someone of the opposite sex. I worry that we may have that awkward silence and it'd be all my fault. Because I've taken up so much time watching reality TV that I have no idea about current events in my community or worldwide--or I have no solid stance on politics--or i know nothing about what else I like to do! I fear that I lack depth or originality--that I'm not interesting enough.
But, then again, I could combat those feelings by saying that I've always loved reality. I'm an avid reader of memoirs. I'm currently writing my own memoir. I love to watch people's facial expressions. And even though I may not always take heed to tell-tell signs, I learn a lot by watching people's body language. I care about people's thoughts. Feelings. Opinions. So, that explains why I have an extreme interest in reality television. You learn a lot by people watching. And I think that, in itself, it a wonderful way to connect with people!
I often experience a sense of enlightening while I'm vegging out in front of the TV. Last night was just the same. I leave my remote control parked on VH1 on Mondays. First--Basketball Wives. Second--T.I.'s Family Hustle. Third--Chrissy & Mr. Jones. The phone goes unanswered during reality TV. The dog has to wait for commercial potty breaks. I just can't miss it! Not one ounce of a second of the drama. And Monday's are not all that I've noticed.
On random days, I will flip through the channels, stopping at ANY reality TV show! It appeases me! Comforts me! Reality television, essentially, is my source for procrastination. So, in coming to this realization, I started to wonder. Is reality TV a hindrance? The fact that I push other tasks to the backburner while watching it might be an explanation. But that's not enough. I'm going to go deeper than that. Has it hindered me in a way that I can no longer intelligently communicate with people. It's almost like how modern technology (text messaging, emails, Skype, etc) has replaced face-to-face communication. Does reality TV suck the conversation right out of you?! For example, let's say that I have a phone or face-to-face conversation with someone of the opposite sex. I worry that we may have that awkward silence and it'd be all my fault. Because I've taken up so much time watching reality TV that I have no idea about current events in my community or worldwide--or I have no solid stance on politics--or i know nothing about what else I like to do! I fear that I lack depth or originality--that I'm not interesting enough.
But, then again, I could combat those feelings by saying that I've always loved reality. I'm an avid reader of memoirs. I'm currently writing my own memoir. I love to watch people's facial expressions. And even though I may not always take heed to tell-tell signs, I learn a lot by watching people's body language. I care about people's thoughts. Feelings. Opinions. So, that explains why I have an extreme interest in reality television. You learn a lot by people watching. And I think that, in itself, it a wonderful way to connect with people!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Editing by Tar-An Reviews
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Monday, October 29, 2012
Random Thoughts #5- Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear
Last night, I tuned into a tv show called, My 600-lb Life. On the show, a morbidly obese women underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost almost 500 lbs. Amazing right!? That's equivalent to 2 or 3 people! Anyway, what I found interesting was when the woman and her husband spoke of her 'fat mentality.' Basically, this is when you still have the mentality of an overweight person--turning sideways to walk though doors--rocking from side-to-side while walking--seeing 600 lbs on a 200-lb frame. The fact is, we live with ourselves everyday. We don't see our changes even though other people can. The change within you may happen so teeny-tiny that we don't notice it. It's gradual. Whether a physical or mental change, it's important to understand that you are not the person you were yesterday.
I forget that sometimes.
I see my job that pays the bills but leaves me little play money and I wonder why I don't have a better career. But, then I rewind back to 10 years ago, I recall NOT paying those essential bills (rent, car note, insurance, etc) on time--putting them off for partying and etc. Not knowing how to budget. Not knowing how to save. Not understanding how a person can purchase a pair of shoes over $100 and still be able to live normally.
I see my appearance and I pick at what I want to improve. Disliking those extra curves--those rolls that popped up out of nowhere. But then, I take my fingers and run them through my moderately-lengthed curly hair--curly hair that's full and natural. Curls that require only 5 minutes prep time that I didn't know I had because I straightened it since as far back as I can remember. I notice that I go without make-up without a second thought. I grab trash bags and stuff old slutty clothing into them to give away because, for some reason, they don't appeal to me anymore. And I remember 10 years ago--when I wore a beautiful short, chic hairstyle that I straightened with du-rags and pulled so tightly on my head that they left forehead lines. I remember my fingertips becoming accustomed to daily burns as I sizzled my hair straight. Standing in front of the mirror until my arm numbed from being raised too long. Pursing my lips as I pulled each individual curl into perfect unison, perfect design. Until the curls lay with perfect precision atop my head. An OCD of a hairstyle. I remember standing in front of that mirror for hours--a day-long process. And I remember how I had to appeal to others at all times. Never leave the house without make-up. And I remember dressing to go out--how short or revealing or tight my outfit needed to be.
I see my dating situation and how I'm still single and have no children. And how that disturbs me to NO END but then again, I can see better. I can see what men represent just by conversation. I don't create illusions. I believe what they show me and, in doing that, I find my courtships short-lived. I have greater standards, so the options are fewer. Swag is not the only requirement for me. And I'm thankful for that because I remember 10 years ago, when I judged men by attraction only. When conversation and commitment didn't matter--only attention did. When that attention could fill up an address book with numbers. Numbers that represented only momentary attention for a lonely person. Negative attention. Maybe positive attention. It didn't matter.
So, this is how I define growth. When you start to criticize yourself--your drawbacks. What you could've done differently. What you didn't do at all. What you did too much of. Growth is when you take ALL of that negative energy and see something. That something that you never thought of as growth initially. Something that's--maybe--different. A difference in you that makes you think--makes you reflect. And you think about 10 years ago. What was the 'you' 10 years ago like? And in that very moment, you will know that life changes you the more you live it. And that change is better than you give yourself credit for.
I forget that sometimes.
I see my job that pays the bills but leaves me little play money and I wonder why I don't have a better career. But, then I rewind back to 10 years ago, I recall NOT paying those essential bills (rent, car note, insurance, etc) on time--putting them off for partying and etc. Not knowing how to budget. Not knowing how to save. Not understanding how a person can purchase a pair of shoes over $100 and still be able to live normally.
I see my appearance and I pick at what I want to improve. Disliking those extra curves--those rolls that popped up out of nowhere. But then, I take my fingers and run them through my moderately-lengthed curly hair--curly hair that's full and natural. Curls that require only 5 minutes prep time that I didn't know I had because I straightened it since as far back as I can remember. I notice that I go without make-up without a second thought. I grab trash bags and stuff old slutty clothing into them to give away because, for some reason, they don't appeal to me anymore. And I remember 10 years ago--when I wore a beautiful short, chic hairstyle that I straightened with du-rags and pulled so tightly on my head that they left forehead lines. I remember my fingertips becoming accustomed to daily burns as I sizzled my hair straight. Standing in front of the mirror until my arm numbed from being raised too long. Pursing my lips as I pulled each individual curl into perfect unison, perfect design. Until the curls lay with perfect precision atop my head. An OCD of a hairstyle. I remember standing in front of that mirror for hours--a day-long process. And I remember how I had to appeal to others at all times. Never leave the house without make-up. And I remember dressing to go out--how short or revealing or tight my outfit needed to be.
I see my dating situation and how I'm still single and have no children. And how that disturbs me to NO END but then again, I can see better. I can see what men represent just by conversation. I don't create illusions. I believe what they show me and, in doing that, I find my courtships short-lived. I have greater standards, so the options are fewer. Swag is not the only requirement for me. And I'm thankful for that because I remember 10 years ago, when I judged men by attraction only. When conversation and commitment didn't matter--only attention did. When that attention could fill up an address book with numbers. Numbers that represented only momentary attention for a lonely person. Negative attention. Maybe positive attention. It didn't matter.
So, this is how I define growth. When you start to criticize yourself--your drawbacks. What you could've done differently. What you didn't do at all. What you did too much of. Growth is when you take ALL of that negative energy and see something. That something that you never thought of as growth initially. Something that's--maybe--different. A difference in you that makes you think--makes you reflect. And you think about 10 years ago. What was the 'you' 10 years ago like? And in that very moment, you will know that life changes you the more you live it. And that change is better than you give yourself credit for.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Random Thoughts # 4: Fallacy vs. Reality
Today's subject is about 'soulmates.' I've always believed that everyone has a person created specifically for them. However, the question is, how do you know when you've met that person? I mean, there's so many people in this world! What are the odds that with all these people, you are guaranteed that you're soulmate is somewhere near? I find that people fall in love (or fall in extreme like) and toss that 'soulmate' label around. The idea is that if you have such extreme feelings for someone--you have sooo many things in common--that this person MUST be your soulmate.
I've been a victim of that fallacy. I met someone once. We had so many things in common. We finished each other's sentences. We like the same foods. Enjoyed the same music. It was like my heart beat in a natural and synced rhythm as his. I had it bad. Unfortunately, we had a LOT of problems. Infidelity. Lies. Confusion. Financial issues. Control issues. The list goes on and on. Yet, despite the fact the the issues outweighed the good, I still felt that he was my 'soulmate.' Eventually and inevitably, we parted.
Now, 5 or 6 years have past and I was still stuck with the idea that my soulmate had slipped through my fingers. Of course, the next fallacy would be that you only get one soulmate. If you miss each other, you just miss each other. So, any future relationships are just in vain. So, in my mind, I conjured up the idea that I would wait. Wait until he settled. Wait until he realized that I was his soulmate--that we were destined to be together. I just waited. Sabotaged any new courtships that I've had for the past 5 or 6 years because I had to be available when he returned. I just waited. Dated people that were unavailable physically, emotionally and mentally because I had to be available when he returned.
I made the decision to change myself. Make some improvements so that when he came back, I would knock his socks off from the new Tara! So he would know that I was 'da bomb' and wonder why he ever left to begin with! See, the things you do for the sake of a 'soulmate' are endless. And the things you will do when your mind conjures up this fallacy will amaze you. I waited for 5 or 6 years without even knowing that I was doing it.
But, here's when I knew. I found out that he'd gotten married yesterday. He got married a year ago. And I suddenly realized that my soulmate may have been someone else's soulmate. Besides, I was the one that stamped that label on him. I considered our past--our issues. Understood that having a soulmate isn't forced, it just IS. I appreciated the fact that since our previous relationship was forced, he must NOT have been my soulmate after all! And that means, my soulmate is still out there. I just wish that I would have had this epiphany 5 or 6 years ago. Then, I wouldn't have start a healing process that should have been handled years ago and feel like it just ended yesterday.
Life is a journey. You really need to be careful about the ideas that your thoughts create. Be conscious about what's realistic and what isn't. It might be years late but I'm glad it happened, nonetheless.
-Tara
I've been a victim of that fallacy. I met someone once. We had so many things in common. We finished each other's sentences. We like the same foods. Enjoyed the same music. It was like my heart beat in a natural and synced rhythm as his. I had it bad. Unfortunately, we had a LOT of problems. Infidelity. Lies. Confusion. Financial issues. Control issues. The list goes on and on. Yet, despite the fact the the issues outweighed the good, I still felt that he was my 'soulmate.' Eventually and inevitably, we parted.
Now, 5 or 6 years have past and I was still stuck with the idea that my soulmate had slipped through my fingers. Of course, the next fallacy would be that you only get one soulmate. If you miss each other, you just miss each other. So, any future relationships are just in vain. So, in my mind, I conjured up the idea that I would wait. Wait until he settled. Wait until he realized that I was his soulmate--that we were destined to be together. I just waited. Sabotaged any new courtships that I've had for the past 5 or 6 years because I had to be available when he returned. I just waited. Dated people that were unavailable physically, emotionally and mentally because I had to be available when he returned.
I made the decision to change myself. Make some improvements so that when he came back, I would knock his socks off from the new Tara! So he would know that I was 'da bomb' and wonder why he ever left to begin with! See, the things you do for the sake of a 'soulmate' are endless. And the things you will do when your mind conjures up this fallacy will amaze you. I waited for 5 or 6 years without even knowing that I was doing it.
But, here's when I knew. I found out that he'd gotten married yesterday. He got married a year ago. And I suddenly realized that my soulmate may have been someone else's soulmate. Besides, I was the one that stamped that label on him. I considered our past--our issues. Understood that having a soulmate isn't forced, it just IS. I appreciated the fact that since our previous relationship was forced, he must NOT have been my soulmate after all! And that means, my soulmate is still out there. I just wish that I would have had this epiphany 5 or 6 years ago. Then, I wouldn't have start a healing process that should have been handled years ago and feel like it just ended yesterday.
Life is a journey. You really need to be careful about the ideas that your thoughts create. Be conscious about what's realistic and what isn't. It might be years late but I'm glad it happened, nonetheless.
-Tara
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Random Thoughts #3- Personal Exploration
Let me be completely transparent with you. At one point and time, I was (what they call) a free spirit. I went where ever the wind blew me. If I never did it, my goal was to try it once. I appreciated that lifestyle too. I bragged about it--got off from the idea of shocking others. That's where my self-confidence came from. Either you got on board with it or I left you behind. But, through experience, I learned that a person can live as a free spirit for so long before it catches up to them. Bad decisions. Naivety. You find yourself backed into a wall, forced to change--forced to conform to the lifestyle of a regular person. A person that thinks before they act. A person that watches people's actions rather than listens to their words. I decided to re-evaluate my friendships and realized that I'd been surrounded by people that embraced the old Tara. They liked my excitement--the thrill they got from my spontaneous lifestyle. I'd been oblivious to their using. The one-sided friendships. The mismatched friendships. In a sense, I'd victimized myself for allowing this for soooo long. So, I cleaned slate. Deleted everyone from my life. Breaking attachments from long-standing friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships, I tell ya! It's been a year since I cleaned house and I still find myself picking up the phone with nobody to call just to tell someone about my day. I could almost suffocate in my home because I've forced myself to be a homebody. There's even times that I decide that reconnecting with past friends would be easier then this self-inflicted torture. But, I always catch myself because it's better to move forward than live in the past. I'm only fearing the future. I'm only fearing myself. And I'm getting to know Tara. My likes. My desires. My pet peeves. What makes me smile. What I can do that entertains me. How to make decisions based off of my well-being. How to heal. How to be smart. It's a struggle but I love me enough to explore those things.
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