We develop relationships, friendships
and partnerships every day. And as those
‘ships’ evolve, so do your expectations of them.
Expectations are understandable. You create this lasting bond with
someone. You trust them—become
comfortable with them. You develop this
give-them-the-clothes-off-your-back mentality and you ‘expect’ them to do the
same. Then, when they do something that
makes you feel like it’s not being reciprocated to your liking, you get
disappointed.
It’s important to understand that
everyone is different. Different thought
processes—different personalities—different perspectives—different
expectations. True, it’s a remedial
observation but people do forget it. We
become so inundated with self, strategizing and validating our own thoughts,
that we trick ourselves into believing that other people should side with
us.
I had a friendship that spanned 15
years. I began to feel like I was
carrying the friendship; my friend just went along for the ride. For years, she satisfied her BFF
responsibilities, including me in her family time, inviting me to outings,
calling me to chat it up about life and drama.
Then, it changed. I became the
only one initiating phone calls. I’d
find out about family gatherings after they already occurred. She became so non-existent in my life that I
started to question the BFF label. I
started to question her. Did I do something wrong? Why haven’t we hung out? Her responses would give me lukewarm
reassurance. Then, the ultimate
happened. I accomplished a major
milestone in my life—and she missed it.
That was the deal breaker—the unmet expectation. My explanation of her behavior was that she’d
become complacent in the friendship. I
felt that ‘ships’ were a 2-way street.
No matter how long it lasts, you always have to work at it. When you stop, the ‘ship’ has sailed.
I had my hindsight view after I end my
friendship with her. She’d encountered a
bunch of life-changing situations during the complacency stage of our
friendship. Loss. Struggle.
Love. Pain. Financial strife. And in all of her situations, I kept trucking
along in our friendship as if nothing happened.
And what I failed to realize was that life-changing situations not only
preoccupy you—they change you. And it
gets deeper than that! I’d encountered
my own life-changing situations.
Depression. Loss. Low self-esteem. And those situations changed me! So, here you have 2 people dealing with each
other the same way. One person setting expectations on the
other—without letting the other person know—and one feeling like the other
should understand her disdain.
Setting expectations on someone is a
losing battle. Nine times out of 10,
expectations aren’t communicated, resulting in a communication breakdown. Two people end up at odds because one didn’t
meet a requirement—because reciprocity isn’t exercised.
I read a book once by Dr. Robert
Cialdini called The 6 Principles of Influence.
Reciprocity is one of the 6 principles—equivalent to the other 5 principles
but used so excessively that its’ been placed at the top of the list. But, what about the other principles of
influence? Let’s take ‘liking’, for
example. Liking is the act of doing
something for someone without expectation or reward. Just doing things out of the goodness of your
heart. No expectations. No reciprocation. Just doing someone because you like someone.
We got out of that favor so often
because we desire validation—a feeling that we are not being used. And
unfortunately, we may cross paths with a person that genuinely DOES NOT value
us—someone that uses us. And it makes us
reluctant—paranoid. Then, we start to
set expectations on EVERYONE and believe that, if they don’t meet our
expectation, they aren’t worth our time.
We forget about LIKING. Just
liking someone because you do. Just
doing because you want to. Just treating
someone the way you want to be treated.
Just paying it forward.
