Last night, I tuned into a tv show called, My 600-lb Life. On the show, a morbidly obese women underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost almost 500 lbs. Amazing right!? That's equivalent to 2 or 3 people! Anyway, what I found interesting was when the woman and her husband spoke of her 'fat mentality.' Basically, this is when you still have the mentality of an overweight person--turning sideways to walk though doors--rocking from side-to-side while walking--seeing 600 lbs on a 200-lb frame. The fact is, we live with ourselves everyday. We don't see our changes even though other people can. The change within you may happen so teeny-tiny that we don't notice it. It's gradual. Whether a physical or mental change, it's important to understand that you are not the person you were yesterday.
I forget that sometimes.
I see my job that pays the bills but leaves me little play money and I wonder why I don't have a better career. But, then I rewind back to 10 years ago, I recall NOT paying those essential bills (rent, car note, insurance, etc) on time--putting them off for partying and etc. Not knowing how to budget. Not knowing how to save. Not understanding how a person can purchase a pair of shoes over $100 and still be able to live normally.
I see my appearance and I pick at what I want to improve. Disliking those extra curves--those rolls that popped up out of nowhere. But then, I take my fingers and run them through my moderately-lengthed curly hair--curly hair that's full and natural. Curls that require only 5 minutes prep time that I didn't know I had because I straightened it since as far back as I can remember. I notice that I go without make-up without a second thought. I grab trash bags and stuff old slutty clothing into them to give away because, for some reason, they don't appeal to me anymore. And I remember 10 years ago--when I wore a beautiful short, chic hairstyle that I straightened with du-rags and pulled so tightly on my head that they left forehead lines. I remember my fingertips becoming accustomed to daily burns as I sizzled my hair straight. Standing in front of the mirror until my arm numbed from being raised too long. Pursing my lips as I pulled each individual curl into perfect unison, perfect design. Until the curls lay with perfect precision atop my head. An OCD of a hairstyle. I remember standing in front of that mirror for hours--a day-long process. And I remember how I had to appeal to others at all times. Never leave the house without make-up. And I remember dressing to go out--how short or revealing or tight my outfit needed to be.
I see my dating situation and how I'm still single and have no children. And how that disturbs me to NO END but then again, I can see better. I can see what men represent just by conversation. I don't create illusions. I believe what they show me and, in doing that, I find my courtships short-lived. I have greater standards, so the options are fewer. Swag is not the only requirement for me. And I'm thankful for that because I remember 10 years ago, when I judged men by attraction only. When conversation and commitment didn't matter--only attention did. When that attention could fill up an address book with numbers. Numbers that represented only momentary attention for a lonely person. Negative attention. Maybe positive attention. It didn't matter.
So, this is how I define growth. When you start to criticize yourself--your drawbacks. What you could've done differently. What you didn't do at all. What you did too much of. Growth is when you take ALL of that negative energy and see something. That something that you never thought of as growth initially. Something that's--maybe--different. A difference in you that makes you think--makes you reflect. And you think about 10 years ago. What was the 'you' 10 years ago like? And in that very moment, you will know that life changes you the more you live it. And that change is better than you give yourself credit for.
